Teresa and The breast cancer blog and A better life

I Thought Heidi and Seal Would Last...

2012-01-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

I have a follow-up mammogram this week. We will also be taking Charlie with so he can be a city-dog for a day. I had a great weekend. Happy hour with the girls at work on Friday. Shameless marathon all weekend with Miles as it poured rain outside. Football in the background on Sunday. I managed to clip out all of Charlie's ear-dreadlocks, now he is so soft and fuzzy back there, my favorite! I feel very boring (not bored) right now, but I am very content.

Munday Fonday

2012-01-03T23:57:00.000-08:00

What a whirlwind it was over the holidays, and now it's finally wound down. A fantastic work holiday party at Ad Hoc where Thomas Keller asked me personally what I would like on the menu of my dreams. I replied: Fried chicken, mac n cheese, and mashed potatoes with tons of butter, pretty please. And so it was.

Then Miles and I went to Texas for lots of Liverpool Rummy, Yahtzee and movies, an Aggie basketball defeat, ham Christmas dinner, Food Network shows and a trip to Austin to have awesome barbeque and $4-pitchers of Lone Star and then as many longnecks as we could hold:

We then had a fun week with a cousin visiting: long dog walks, scary movies, candy shops, a full splurge New Years Day meal at Scopa, and a late night New Years Eve with dancing and hats and bonfires and sleepovers and resolutions with old friends.

And as if that weren't enough excitement, we wrapped it up with a Sunday (Monday) Funday with an old friend. Bowling, Yahtzee and ping pong! Hurry up and move back, Dando!

Spring Break at Lake Havasu

2011-12-06T23:41:00.000-08:00

What a lovely weekend I had with my wonderfully handsome and kind husband. How did I land such a perfect catch?! I hope we grow old together for a very long time. These days I just about let myself believe that we will, though I have my moments of uncontrollable panic that cancer is just laying dormant somewhere in my body. Let's not talk about that now...

On Saturday we took Charlie to Barley and Hops for some early afternoon beers on their deck, and he made a few friends. We topped it off with supper, pool and beers at Stumptown, and a quiet SOA night at home. Sunday Occidental breakfast and a nice long walk in the woods with Charlie Barls. One of these days on the way home we're gonna stop and talk to the giant pig that wags its tail. Life is so quiet and full of love. Couch time with Miles, Nutsy, Joseph, Douglas and Charlie is my very favorite.

Road To Recovery

2011-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Nutsy gained nearly a pound!!! I was so happy I cried. This is the first time she has gained weight in probably a year. I am so very happy!!

I had a 6-month check up with my oncologist. I left the appointment also so happy I was crying. Seeing him always helps relieve the cancer/health/mortality anxiety I have. I got a thumbs up. I asked his opinion on doing a whole body PET/CT scan before having kids ... and his answer was he did not think I should, nor did he think I needed to. Instead, there is a newish blood test that can locate a single cancer cell within 1,000,000,000 blood cells. He told me I can take that test, and that I will get a zero reading, and then I can move on! I love a cancer doctor that instills such confidence.

Thanksgiving weekend was wonderful. Abundant good food and wine on actual turkey day. Wine tasting with Miles and his Dad on Friday. Saturday got the good news about Little Grandma. Sunday dog parking with Charlie in Healdsburg, followed by magic hour and bar food at Beer Republic, followed by an enjoyable rom-com at home with the entire four-animal zoo on our laps.

We saw Like Crazy last night. It made me want to vomit like crazy and it made Miles want to pour garlic butter on top of the popcorn like crazy.

Ear-Rubs VERSUS Eye-Rubs

2011-11-09T13:25:00.000-08:00

My little grandma likes her crumpled ear rubbed.

My Little Grandma

2011-11-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

Our little Nutsy grandma is not doing so well. Well, she's actually doing okay at the moment but we know that she's declining. She's slowly lost weight over the last year. But now that's changed to a rapid weight loss, and we've eliminated the easily treatable things it could be. The possible explanations we're left with aren't good, and she's so elderly and fragile that treatment would likely be more cruel than helpful. So we've decided to simply make the rest of her life as joyful and comfortable as possible, at least until it becomes apparent that we have to make a hard decision for her. For now, she's still enjoying lots of things. She eats voraciously, still likes pets and eye-rubs, still likes sleeping on our laps or on the couch with us, still hisses spunkily at the Charlie, still likes stretching and running over for treats, and even still plays with a string occasionally or tries to eat the cords on the blinds. After her check-up on Monday where we learned she'd lost 18% of her body weight in just a few months, we were feeling very grave and were ready to say our goodbyes very soon to spare her quality of life. But it is/was so hard to commit to pulling the trigger. I talked to Nutsy Monday night and asked her to let us know if she was ready to go or not. She responded on Tuesday by doing all of the happy things listed above with a renewed vigor. So after a long talk with our vet today we've decided to focus on palliative care now, and enjoy the time we have left with a happy Nutsy - whether that be days or weeks or months. I love my little grandma and it will be so hard to let her go ... but I will when the time comes. And then her and Trigger can snuggle again.

It's A Lot Better Than It Used To Be versus "Not Better"

2011-10-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

Today was my 3 year diagnosis anniversary. Unlike last year or the year prior where I completely missed it... I've anticipated it for the past week. So it's here and I feel pretty awesome about it. The farther out I get, the better I mentally feel. Miles sent beautiful flowers to me at work - it was such an unexpected joy! He told me I was the strongest girl he knew. And you know, when strangers tell me how brave or strong I must be because of what I faced, it sort of makes me think "Well, what else would I have done - not gotten treatment and died? What choice did I have?" But when Miles tells me I'm strong it makes me feel soooo good because it's coming from the one person who saw me every second of every day that I had to (have to) deal with cancer and treatment and the aftermath. So it is very meaningful to me. Thanks, my awesome husband!

He also wrote me a haiku the other day that made me laugh so I wanted to share it:

sunshine sweet sunshine
i hope it brightens your day
glad you're not a vamp

We have been watching a lot of True Blood LOL.

Summer is officially over - maybe we can sneak in one more day at the river at some point? Maybe not. Charlie's wolfpack of one recently grew into a wolfpack of three! It is really awesome getting to see Ruby and Scout all the time now, not to mention Miles' dad. And going forward I have so much to look forward to: We're celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary later this month with a little Brent Weinbach. My parents are visiting again at the end of the month. We'll be visiting Janeball and her new husband in November. We'll get to celebrate the future Cards' victory with Will Johnson in person in November. And hopefully Miles and I will make it to Texas this winter, seeing as we won't have much reason to anymore after my parents move. I hope that we will run into Riggs.

Where Does The Time Go?

2011-09-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

My memory is not what it used to be. Maybe it is lingering chemo-brain, or maybe it is because I take Lorazepam occasionally. I would guess it is probably from the chemo. But I used to have a "memory like a steel trap," and I don't anymore and it bums me out. I often have to try very hard to recall things I did a day or two prior. It's frustrating. Guess there is probably not much I can do other than accept it. Nothing else to really write about right now.

Texas Forever

2011-07-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

Summertime around here is pretty awesome. We didn't get the full effect last year because Charlie was so young and we were busy training with him a lot - which I wouldn't have traded for anything! But now that he is grown goes everywhere with us, we're enjoying summer to its fullest!

We had really gud fud this weekend. It started with dinner at Bruno's - Miles had some of his favorite pork tenderloin ever, and I had a yummy & meaty meatloaf and some soupy yet really great maccies. We were greeted by three young kitties when we left the restaurant - a nice finishing touch.

On Saturday we went to Addendum in Yountville. We shared the fried chicken lunch box and orange dreamsicle ice cream. Charlie chowed on some wood chips. The chicken was well worth the hype. I didn't really know what to expect from gourmet fried chicken that's usually $50 and a steal at $16, but I do know that it made us very, very happy!! We didn't try the BBQ of the day which just means we'll have to go back next weekend! We also took Charlie to a dog park in Napa where he made best friends with a doberman, turned from a golden retriever into a black lab in the mudpool, and got to hang out with two other goldens, two huskies, two brittany spaniels, a black lab, a funny little corgi mix, and a parson russell terrier. I have never seen Charlie so muddy before! On the ride home he was so tired he looked like he'd been beat up.

Today we opted to skip the Sonoma County Fair and instead have a NFNL day! We had pizza from the weird new place that makes pizza that tastes like Round Table only way better.

Last weekend we took Charlie to our river spot and it was crowded, and he did so great like a Real Dog! He entertained everyone floating by and brought smiles to a lot of faces. He played chase-the-rock(s) with a shirtless little river kid with a mohawk.

In medical news, I had my 6-month MRI a week ago. I haven't heard anything yet and that's probably a good sign. In two months it will be my 3-year mark. Hooray!

Ain't No Trip to Cleveland

2011-06-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

Miles and I decided on a band name, I'm pretty excited about it. Summer continues to be awesome. As much as I love how wintertime feels around here with its fog and rain and heavy trees... I have to admit that summertime feels extra amazing. We had our first river day this past weekend and I was so PLEASED! I feel so lucky and thankful to live in perma-vacation-land. We laid on floaties in the shallows and drank beer and admired the brilliant blue and greens of our surroundings. How far our life has come!

The Weather Is Not Like It Was Before

2011-06-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Another awesome welcome-summertime weekend. Charlie met a young Golden puppy on a walk and they romped together. Charlie pinned the pup, and then let the pup pin him. Then they were pooped & laid down facing each other, paws intertwined. Charlie also got to hang out with us while we played pool. Miles and I played poker, played Wii, drank champagne out in the sun, hung out on our deck and watched one hundred episodes of Friday Night Lights. I have the sweetest pair of gingers ever:

Hello, Birthday

2011-06-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

Hello Diane, and hello Wii. My husband, my best friend!

I Beat August Bodine

2011-06-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a fun couple of weeks! Miles and I stayed at the Wynn in Las Vegas for four nights and it felt like such a real vacation. We completed everything on our checklist except for roulette (good) and swimming in the pool (bummer). We: Ate at SW Steakhouse, spent a retarded amount of money at XS at Encore and danced, played tons of poker, did the freefall on top of Stratosphere twice, ordered biscuits & gravy room service, saw Cheryl Hines and Treo Hatchets (Teri Hatcher), paid for our trip in cash, made friends with Bill, and bet on the World Series of Baseball. I continued my excellent record of taking down small Vegas tourneys and won $1300 in one of the Wynn dailies, and angered a cocky young drunkard in the process. It was our funnest trip yet & and we'll certainly stay at the Wynn again.

Last weekend we went ziplining in our backyard... well, in Occidental. It was well worth it.

Charlie has been enjoying the river for some time now, but it's river season now for the humans.

I turn another year older tomorrow.

Been A While

2011-05-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

It's been some time. One particularly important piece of news: I bowled 188 the other night! Also 160 and 135 - averaging to 161! I'm pretty pleased with this. My parents visited a while back. That is always ve pleasing. We played lots of games, as we are wont to do... billiards, Yahtzee, dealer's choice poker, Liverpool Rummy, more Yahtzee. We ate good food. Dad bonded with the Charlie. I miss them now, but hopefully not for long! Charlie had his Year One birthday! We didn't get him a doggy cake like we wanted, but we did take him for an extra long fun day dedicated to him! I started a gluten-free diet three weeks ago. The idea is that without gluten, my diet will be less inflammatory, and with less inflammation my wrists, shoulder and back will ache less. I'm hesitant to get too excited... but there really seems to be a difference!!!! Now the only thing left it seems is the arthritic type pain in my hands, which was always a separate pain from the rest. The gluten-free has not been as hard as I thought it could be. No tonkatsu though, what?!?!! All in all I have felt pretty good lately, though anxiety lingers and takes hold a lot still. After-work Charlie walks are a good temporary cure though. We cut Miles' long hair, now no longer long. He looks as he did when we first met and it is my personal fave! Swoon!!!

Negative Negative Negative

2011-03-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Surprise steak and movie drop. I love the Nard-Dog!! And surprise DST drop this weekend! I'm getting some adrenal glad testing done soon. Will it tell me something about my fatigue? Hopefully.

Rain Outside, Cozy Inside

2011-02-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

It's a great to have cancer in my rear view mirror. The way the mind forgets is amazing. I don't think about cancer much anymore, and I've all but forgotten what baldness was like except when I see the photos. No matter what, life moves ahead. I'm just pleased my brain is following suit. I haven't had much anxiety lately. I can't think of a true panic moment in the last month. I'm not sure what changed. Maybe my stress in general has decreased? Having a dog is so awesome, it's true what they say about animals enhancing your life. Of course I have my moments where I freak out about losing him and how in the world will we deal with that... but that's typical me. At least the thoughts are fleeting. On the other hand, Nutsy - my little girl going on 15 - I have a feeling she's going to be around forever. My little grandma girl. Miles and I talked last night about how much Trigger would have loved our new house. On Valentine's Day I came home to a candlelit, daffodil and wine dinner -- with apple-cinnamon pork roast and mashies & peas. Miles is the sweetest and he is my best friend, and for that he gets to eat all the saltwater taffy!!! I am so blessed. Nothing could be better than sitting on the couch beside the love of my life, with Doug on my lap, also Charlie's head on my lap, Nutsy meowing every 5 seconds into my ear, and Joseph watching us from his armchair.

WE ARE THE LUCKIEST!!

2011-01-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had the most awesome massage locally. The massage was incredibly grounding (I know... royg...), and she was kind and insightful. She went thirty minutes past what she charged me, and sent me home with mini-daffodils and carnations. She also told me that she thinks I'll be a teacher and a leader someday, based on the hardship I've endured.

Now onto a "therapist" of a different kind... Last week my psychotherapist told me that when I talked about anxiety, he felt a "swarm of bees" between us. And also that he felt a lack of connection between us. I guess it's time to find a new therapist...

I love my husband! I love my puppy/real dog! I love my kitties!

The Elusive Joseph

2011-01-05T22:36:00.001-08:00

Made an appearance on my lap tonight!

How Many More Days Til Five Years?

2011-01-05T20:46:00.001-08:00

Charlie officially weighs in at 71 pounds. We finally granted him bed privileges and it's the very very best! Nevermind that it means sometimes I have 70 pounds of crushing puppy-weight across my chest... it's so adorable when he falls asleep with his head in the crook of my neck! It's even more adorable when Douglas joins in on the cuteness, which is usually! Speaking of Douglas, here is a nice morning glamour shot of him:

We took the Christmas tree down and it made me sad so Miles turned on the banister lights and that made me happy. For old times sake here's a photo of me and the tree:

So I found that, indeed, I have sleep apnea - but the good news is that it's a "very mild" on the severity scale. That means I can do nothing and probably be fine for ten years as long as I don't get fat.

Nutsy has serious oral disease/inflammation and is getting the rest of her teeth removed! Poor thing! I feel terrible for her and wonder how long she's been in pain for. The vet told me I could give her warm baby food to help her eat more - and I had flashbacks to when Trigger's vet told me the same thing. :( But this is very different, so I don't think we're gonna lose Nutsy any time soon. She is one spry old grandma cat!

Charlie has parasites and an ear infection. Sheesh, what is happening with the zoo!? I have a hunch he may have gotten one or both as a present from his doggie daycare. He is pretty obliviously happy-go-lucky through the meds though, save for being a little lethargic.

Joseph has been more of an upstairs-cat than downstairs-cat lately, hooray!

Banana Bandana

2010-12-27T22:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and gone, and it was very merry. Miles gave me the awesomest gift ever!!! We hosted it at our house with my brother, Miles' dad and cousin, and two real "real dogs"! Five adults, three real dogs and three cats - hooray! We had a Honey Baked Ham, along with baked chicken, sour cream mashies, stuffing, brown gravy and green beans. I was proud of choreographing dinner so well. Charlie had a super time and pooped himself out following Scout and Ruby around the house.

Isn't he the handsomest? He is growing up so much. We got him a blue bandana for Christmas, and it only increases the incredible essence of his handsomeness! We've taken him to the beach a bunch lately - it's so nice and empty these days because of the cold and the rain. He's learned several new games: catch-the-ball-in-the-air-when-we-bounce-it-super-high and jump-up-and-grab-the-stick. He's also been interested in the ocean lately, though he doesn't go past the whitewash yet (which my paranoid self is thankful for).

I had a follow-up mammogram last week, but I haven't heard back yet... but isn't no news good news? I also had a pelvic sonogram. Though I'm BRCA negative and therefore considered not at increased risk for ovarian cancer, my gynecologist said she still likes to keep an eye on it in particularly young breast cancer patients. So yeah, just one more thing to be anxious about.

My polysomnography test was a while back. That was pretty fun. It took less than five minutes to conk out even though I had fifteen wires attached to my head, face and nose, hah. I'll get the results in a week.

Vic Ruggiero is playing a solo show, I'm so excited!! That'll be fun and also a bit nostalgic.

My "Real Dog"

2010-12-13T18:15:00.000-08:00

Charlie is becoming such a real dog. We've been leaving his crate door and the bedroom door open at night. He conks out in his crate, then at some point sleeps behind his crate, then is back in his crate by the time I wake up. He's so tired still when I get up that sometimes he doesn't even want to go out to baubles! He's also such a teenager right now... on mornings when Miles drives me to work, we've always brought him along in the car. Nowadays, when we call him to come out to the car, he plops down on his doggie bed and looks at us like "do I HAVE to???? LOL. It's funny how much dogs are creatures-of-habit. When he comes in from the rain and I forget to towel him off, he sits down and noses at the towel. I love it when he stretches in the morning when I wake him up - he stretches so long and hard, and tries to walk at the same time. I love how when I sit on the floor, he'll wake up from a dead sleep to come plop down on my lap. He's gotta be 65 - 70 pounds now, he's such a big puppy!!!

Not Forever Now

2010-12-09T18:15:00.000-08:00

Listening to Evangeline and drinking hazelnut coffee. Things have been so-so lately. Doing much better with work stress. But unfortunately still all messed up hormonally. When will it get better? If things don't regulate soon, my docs suggested turning off my ovaries for 3-6 months. That means hot flashes and other nice menopausal side effects again. Question: Which bad scenario is better? I had the gnarliest panic attack ever last week. I kept seeing (SWMB not SWME) a person wearing a giant stuffed buffalo head - some weird Pagan symbolism? Wdk what was going on, but it was completely terrifying. Another thing is I possibly have sleep apnea. Tomorrow night I'm doing a polysomnography test. I'm pretty excited for it because had I chosen an academic career, it would have been in sleep & dream research. Even though I like the rain and the fog hanging inbetween the trees, I really wish it wasn't already dark when I leave work.

Thanatophobia

2010-11-30T23:08:00.000-08:00

Things are going okay. Miles and I had a nice Thanksgiving. I wish I could have seen my parents, but short of that we had a great time with my brother and other awesome family. And Charlie had a great time too! Work has been less stressful lately. I'm glad. I'm seeing a psychotherapist. He thinks my extreme anxiety is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. I've heard about PTSD in cancer survivors before, so that sounds reasonable. Overall though, my anxiety has been lessening. I need to take a trip...

And Fall To Little Pieces Every Time

2010-11-16T00:39:00.000-08:00

Weezer Across The Sea Live in Japan in HD is awesome. So is the bliss on Dougie's face when he gets to snuggle with me and Charlie at the same time. Miles and I are hoping to visit Japan within the next year.

Introducting Charlie Blog

2010-11-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

I've started a second blog:

Charlie Our Golden Retriever Dog That We Love So Much And He Is Cool!

It's a little rough around the edges formatting-wise, but I am working on it!

Help

2010-11-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out so badly and not sure what to do. I am freaking out this second, but even worse, I am freaking out in general all the time at least a little. I am so scared of cancer coming back. I have some minor aches and pains and twinges here and there. Yet, I have no serious indication and all statistics point to me being okay for the duration of a long life. Still, I can't shake the insane, gut-wrenching fear. The last few months I've been anxious and then more anxious. But more recently my anxiety has been elevating to panic. I don't know how to not be terrified.

Pink Clouds & Fog

2010-11-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

Charlie is losing his manhood today - probably just as I write this. I almost hit a mouse driving home the other night. I met with a psychiatrist the other day - he seemed nice & I cried. Miles and I celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary with steak dinner TWO times - Stark's has the best pre-dinner bread I have ever tasted. Miles caught Douglas snuggling with Charlie again, this time on Charlie's new giant plush dogbed. Something's wrong with Nutsy's mouth again so we're trying out the Forestville vet. Joseph is a "downstairs cat."

Happy Birthday Darling Boy!!!

2010-10-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today Charlie is six months old!!! Today he also played in the pouring rain for the first time & loved it!

Car vs. Deer

2010-10-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

According to the Press Democrat, it's "Car vs. Deer" season. Last night heading home on River Road we saw an injured deer on the side of the road trying to stand up. It looked like it had just been hit, and there was a suspect car with its hazards on 500 feet ahead. We called 911 and gave the location of the deer and made sure to tell them it was still alive - they took down the info and said thanks. This morning on my way to work, there it was - dead. The time for it to manifest had passed. I tried not to, but I still suffered.

My Darling Smartypants

2010-10-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

Charlie has a new trick called "clean up." I tell him to go get his scattered toys one-by-one and he grabs them and drops them back into his toybox. And when he misses the toybox in his haste and it falls outside, he picks it up again and deliberately places it inside. He learned the trick in <10 minutes. He is so smart!!!!! Not surprised!

Tick Tock

2010-10-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was two years to the date of that super scary phone call - one of the top worst days of my life - a worst day that led to the best decisions of my life. Last year October 6 came and went without me noticing. This year I was not so oblivious, but I accept that. This two-year anniversary is just a reminder that the other special two-year anniversary is right around the corner!

DITD (down in the dumps - not to be confused with DITB)

2010-09-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

Back to the grind. At least I have a visit from my parents to look forward to. Still, I'm feeling melancholy & not exactly sure why. It could be due to hormonal imbalances. I've been especially imbalanced since my period came back nine months ago. Though I feel mostly back to myself physically, the messed-up hormones plus my fatigue plus my arthritic hands are everyday reminders of what I've been through and how different my body is now.

Let me reflect more on Saturday, and maybe that'll put a smile on my face?

First off, Miles and I went to the Will and Anders house show in SF last Wednesday. It was at a Mission loft and the hosts were a very nice young couple. At one point the guy noticed from across the room that Miles didn't have a bottle opener for his beer, and he came over to offer assistance - we're talking that sort of nice. There were about 30 people and it was very cozy. Anders played first and it sounded amazing. I wasn't very familiar with him but his songs and voice were instantly memorable. He played a song called Don't Let the Darkness In about his dog that he said he'd just finished while up in Portland - it's so good it's still stuck in my head. Will played second, and what can I say other than it was the very best? I would've been extremely pleased if the SF house show was all there was. But... then we hosted our very own house show!

So on Saturday we weren't expecting them to show up til later since they had such a long drive up to Guerneville. But the doorbell rang around 5:30 and I saw the top of tall Anders' head through the glass! They took powernaps while dinner cooked. Then my long lost fellow Marooned friend Sarah and her BF Cameron arrived. It was like a day hadn't passed between us! I made bbq pulled pork sandwiches, garlic mashies and salad. We were well-stocked on booze: fridge full of Budweisers, Blue Moons, Pliny the Elder, Blind Pig and champagne; and pantry full of whiskey, wine, and many half-full liquor bottles. We ate and drank and joked around. Will was impressed with Miles' childhood baseball photo signed by Ozzie Smith. He also joked that he told his fiancee that the fam was moving to Guerneville! Sarah and I demonstrated that our patented synchronized swoon hadn't lost a beat in twelve years. Guests eventually arrived - and when I say "guests" I mean all of seven other people - 8 of 11 paid tickets were no-shows! So there were a total of 13 people, including Anders and Will. Can you imagine your favorite dude playing in your own living room to such a tiny crowd?! I can now!!! Anders played first. I recognized many songs already just from SF - and he sounded so amazing. I was stoked to hear Don't Let the Darkness In again. I'm now quickly fixing the fact that I don't know his material. He was so at ease playing and talking between songs - "So how's everyone doing?" was kind of a joke since everyone had already been talking to everyone else. Then Will played. It was the very very best. Kind of like how ginger boy cats are "the very very best." A couple songs in, he asked if anyone had any questions and Miles said "I have a question - can you play something off Redo the Stacks? We sort of got married to that record." And he obliged with Rock n Roll Eyes!! Later a dude asked for something from Carlton Chronicles, and Will played I Feel Too Young To Die. He sort of forgot bits of the song and it was really cute watching him try to sort it out in his head. He played the following: Almost Let You In (a fave), Triggers & Trash Heaps, Rock N Roll Eyes (swoon), Take The Maps, Atlanta (all-time fave), Alabama Crusade, Kept On The Sly, Philo Manitoba, I Feel Too Young To Die, a song about Bastrop and inflatable pools and devils crossing the state line, and a couple others. Then everyone wanted more and Miles asked if Will & Anders ever played together - and so they did! Anders sang the first song with Will doing harmonies. And then they played Just To Know What You've Been Dreaming, and it sounded awesome with Anders' backing vocals and guitar bridge! So good!!! BTW, Charlie was so good with everyone & he was a huge hit! He went from person to person for pets for a while and then just laid down in the middle of the room! Joseph made himself scarce all night, of course. Nutsy - poor painkiller-ed Nutsy who had 8 teeth pulled the day before - was around but not very social. Douglas was present but hesitant. During a song, Doug ran out to the middle and then spazzed, twitched, and ran full speed out of the room! One by one our guests departed. Sarah and Cameron left earlier than I hoped for, but they had far to drive in the morning. Miles, Will and I talked til late in the kitchen about baseball, facebook, children, touring, the Green Bay Packers and other things. It's awesome watching Miles talk to a fellow die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan - he gets so adorably animated. In the morning I made breakfast for the dudes - B&LG, little sausages, eggs, and hash browns that wouldn't brown. I wasn't very pleased, but both dudes cleaned their plates. So it was either passable, or they're just very polite. Which they are... so wdk. We bid them adieu and they got on the road to Reno, but not until the Japanese tourist side of me asked for Polaroids. Miles and I basked in the joy of the weekend the rest of Sunday & cuddled with our animals. Even Charlie was pooped from all the excitement and he flopped on the floor all day long.

Chosen For Everything

2010-09-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

Will Johnson and Anders Parker played in our living room this weekend...
Slow-cooked bbq pork, synchronized swoon, beer jugs and Cardinals mugs, Don't Let the Darkness In, Charlie making fans, Magical Johnson, a "we got married to" Redo the Stacks request, dual harmonizing songs, That's A Winner, biscuits and lumpy gravy, and goodbye polaroids. In shorter form - I am very pleased!!

Miles and I and Charlie and the zoo were all very tired after they left on Sunday, so we all spent the day snuggling.

Anticipating Doritos

2010-09-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

listen, poor my little girl, open your eyes it's too bright. listen, oh my little girl, squinting your eyes at the light.

i never knew how you tried, i never knew at all, until you lay in the hospital, silly cone round your head. i never thanked you for tryin, i never thanked you at all, til you lay in that hospital, no more movement at all.

Leader of the Pack

2010-09-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

Charlie had a wonderful weekend in Santa Cruz. He got to play with two Chesapeake Bay Retrievers - Ruby (6) and Scout (10). Boy, did he learn a lot from the adults! We took him to the dog beach and let him off leash for the first time, and he did great! He sniffed butts with at least 10 other dogs. His favorites were a yellow lab named Hunter and a Corgi named Mac. Mac, however, did not return Charlie's affections. We also took the gang for a hike:

Charlie was so pooped after the beach that he slept the rest of the afternoon AND evening.

2010-08-31T17:45:00.000-07:00

Charlie is getting so big, I think he's about 40 pounds now!!! We enrolled him in "puppy kindergarten" which starts in two weeks. There will be about ten other puppies - several labradors, a german shepherd, a mini poodligog and some others. I'm glad to hear there are other large breed pups for him to interact with. I can't believe we've had him for 10 weeks already, as well as 10 weeks only! He is looking so grown-up these days - his hair is getting all shiny and slick - not puppy-like fuzziness anymore. He spends a great deal of his day outside the crate now, now that he's so good at holding his pee. He's never once had an accident in the car, and this weekend he gets to go on a car-ride all the way to Santa Cruz for an extended playdate!

dark & light

2010-08-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this:
"The challenges of survivorship are many. More than anything else, it is the searing recognition of mortality that changes everything. From this moment forward, all of life will be viewed through a double lens as we appreciate the possibilities of both a long life and a greatly abbreviated one. This dual view may actually, over time, enrich our lives. We make a conscious and willing choice, each of us living with cancer, to go on, to take and to appreciate the darkness as well as the sunlight. We hold dear the night as well as the morning."

Closing Down My House

2010-08-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

Charlie is 15 weeks tomorrow! He is growing like a weed, and has just passed 30 pounds now. His head alone looks like it weighs 30 pounds!!

He's learned so much in 7 weeks, and he's so incredibly well-mannered and smart! He learned how to shake in just 5 tries! He now knows sit, down, shake, stay, drop it, mealtime, bedtime, and soon he'll know heel. He played/terrorized two puppies the other night that were a third his size. I experience the true meaning of "puppy
dog eyes" every time I tell him it's bedtime. Could he be any cuter? Douglas loves Charlie and is desperate to be buddies, while wary of Charlie's size at the same time. Charlie tries to "shake" for Douglas, which never ends well!

Douglas is still ever-cuddly.

Nutsy and Joseph still like laying in the sun.

I still like Centro-matic.

Happy Birthday to Charlie!!!

2010-07-16T16:36:00.001-07:00

Today is Charlie's 3-month birthday!!!

Dare I Say "Healthy"?

2010-07-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm 1 year out from treatment. How fast time passes! I had a bunch of doctor follow-ups last week: Dr. Smith (who I see every 3 months), Dr. Richards (every 6 months) and Dr. Rounsaville (every 6 months). I also did a bilateral breast MRI. All three docs said everything looked great, and Dr. Rounsaville even said I no longer needed follow ups with him! My MRI was "perfectly normal" and my bloodwork was normal as well. Whew... sigh of relief!! I rarely think about cancer these days, but anxiety definitely still strikes around follow-up time.

I can't believe how different my life is one year later. One year ago I was house-ridden (sometimes bed-ridden) with a post-chemo stomach affliction that cost me 3 months, 20 pounds, and some sanity. Now I'm healthy and have gained the weight back. I was unhappy, super stressed and consumed with my high-pressure job. Now I love where I work, enjoy the people I see every day, and when I leave at 5 PM work is the last thing on my mind. We were renting an old, moldy and dank apartment that leaked rain every winter and smelled like dead rats every few months. Now we own a beautiful home in the trees with tons of space to spare. We were living in SF, where folks scurry around all fast-paced and forget to connect with each other. Now we live in awesome Sonoma County aka "Wine Country" (LOL) where everyone is happy and friendly because the beautiful surroundings help ease their everyday lives. We used to drive to Dolores Park on the nicest days for a little warm sunshine, or perhaps drive 1.5 hours to the Russian River for a day of sun, water and beer. Now we walk just 5 minutes to our nearest Russian River beach to drink Blue Moons! We used to dream of the day when we could comfortably house a dog. Now not only do we have the company of the sweetest puppy, but it's a Golden Retriever aka "Which puppy is BEST?"! AND, we've also added a Smooshie who's full of nothing but love! The only thing missing is Trigger of course...

Nutsy, Joseph, Douglas and Charlie: So many names I get tripped up sometimes! Like when my Mom says "Tre-Dan" hahaha. Charlie is doing so well. The potty accidents are decreasing - once every couple days only. He sleeps in his crate by the bed no problem. He knows where to "go baubles," he does "sit" so well, and he's on his way to "down" and "drop it". He's about doubled in size in less than three weeks! He's awesome at retrieving - his favorite thing to do is run back at full-speed with his turtle and faceplant into my lap. He really is the cutest dude ever!!! But he is growing so quickly, I can already see the future, handsome, grown up Golden Retriever dude when I look at his puppy face. I LOVE HIM!!!!

The kitties are doing great too!! Nutsy is totally healthy and back to her spry, whiny self (hahahha). She'd gained a whole pound last time they checked her weight! Though she's already 14 years old, I feel she'll be around for a long time to come! :) Joseph is his sweet, shy self - always sitting in his favorite chair with armrest. He loves his bathroom pets and his face pets. I bet he misses heater pets & the static electricity, poor dude heheheh. And Douglas is so attached to us sometimes he doesn't know what to do with himself! When I step out of the shower he's there sitting on the foot towel, waiting to rub on my legs - so I have to towel my legs off before I step out, otherwise they get coated in Douglas hair! He snuggles with me all the time and loves to gaze up at me with those big copper eyes. He's also in love with Charlie and is always visiting him. Yay for the petting zoo!

Also, I've been playing the drums! Miles and I have a couple of awesome songs!! I'm really excited about them!

Introducing Charlie

2010-06-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

It's official, don't you think?! Four animals in one house seems to constitute a personal petting zoo?? When referring to all the boys and girl, it's no longer "cat party" but now "the zoo."

So this past Saturday Miles and I went to pick out and pick up our 8- or 9-week old Golden Retriever puppy from the Kings Kastle shelter folks. I'm still feeling like this is unreal, or at least a dream come true - that our application was chosen out of 900 other applications - and that we've been given this amazing opportunity to share our life with a brand new GRD (aka the very best kind of D). Wowie!!!!!!!! Talk about fortune shining upon us!! I guess all the stars lined up in our favor. The adult GRs were rescued on Miles' birthday in March, then we got the phone call in June just as we were embarking on my birthday weekend, and then we picked the puppy named Cooper (which was the name of Miles' first family Golden growing up!).

Here is the proud and excited papa and new pup:

Here is Charlie (it just wasn't right for him to be another "Cooper") next to his brother Hunter and their mom Sheba right in front:

Here is Charlie passed out on the car ride home:

Here is Charlie napping even more when we got home:

And here he's finally waking up a little - still tired and lazy, but settling in with his new home and family:

He's only 8.5 weeks old. But what a good boy he's been - my, what manners! He quickly learned his name, as well as "sit" and "come." He's also learned where his potty ("baubles") spot is, although sometimes he goes there a bit begrudgingly still. Even so, his little bladder muscles aren't fully developed yet and he still has accidents which are easy to clean on our hardwood floor. Last night he had a #2 (rather... a #3) accident in the kitchen - definitely the grossest so far! He's also learning to spend some alone time in his crate without whining. Ignoring the whining has been one of the more difficult tasks for me and Miles, but we've been diligent & it seems to be paying off. He's such a good little boy! He's teething and chewing on everything right now, and I guess that's going to continue for a while & we can only try to redirect him when he does. When he whines, after a minute or two he makes this dramatic "harumphf" sound and flops down on the floor with all his paws sticking out - it's the cutest!!!

Last night Douglas visited Charlie several times in the kitchen. Douglas laid down inside Charlie's crate and Charlie laid in front of it, and they played the staring game for a while. They're going to be fast friends soon! Seriously, can you picture anything cuter than a Golden puppy and its smoosh face best friend??!

Happy New Puppy Day!

2010-06-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

I had an awesome 30th birthday! I got to spend it with my wonderful husband, my other cat, her buddy, and her "first cat." The drive up was fun and when we stayed in Medford, the Food-4-Less told us exactly where to find the Hot Pockets and Eggos. In Portland we ate a lot of deep fried gud fud, and drank a lot of champagne. I had mozzarella stix twice in one day! We watched a lot of Food Network, GR puppy videos, Aziz Ansari videos, and Heart videos. We also made plentiful trips to the Plaid Party Pantry Paint Palace. We went to Holman's, Ash Street Saloon, The Tom's, Slingshot Lounge, and the Gladstone Street Pub. I wish California bars served food til closing! On the drive home we finally found an Arby's, and re-did last year's terrible birthday Arby's experience, yay!

As if this weren't already an awesome enough birthday... we also got word that we were chosen to adopt one of these dudes this Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Love My Cats

2010-05-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

I love you Nutsy! So happy you are feeling spry these days!

Typical Joseph pose.

Stuff on my Douglas is always funny.

Most nights/mornings this is Douglas' favorite spot (and mine too!).

Then I discovered him here one morning. Later that morning when I brushed my teeth, he hopped back in again!

Joseph is like "Dude... wait... what? Where is the water?"

Some Recent Things

2010-05-15T02:50:00.000-07:00

We were playing table pong one morning when this dude paid us a neighborly visit!

We went to St. Louis for a few days and got to spend some awesome family time. The super cute and radical niece and nephew:

My new Cardinals gear as I approve of some Thai food:

The other day I went for allergy testing. 51 needles poked into me - that's a lot! It turns out I'm allergic to literally everything except for mites. I also have chronic sinusitis. I need some halp.

Douglas does the weirdest things. He puts his paws on the wet food plate while he's eating, sometimes right into the wet food. But then I witnessed this, which takes the cake!

UR DOIN IT WRONG!!!

Some more kitty PHOTOS:

Driving to work through the trees and grapes, NBD!

Abandoned Brick Buildings

2010-05-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

Miles and I went with the other California Tufflis to St. Louis for a few days for Lauren's wedding. There are lots of awesome, dilapidated brick buildings in St. Louis. And a bunch of also-awesome, not dilapidated brick buildings. There are also "toasted raviolis" everywhere. We saw the Arch but didn't go in it. We saw Busch Stadium but couldn't go in it. We saw Lemp Mansion but didn't see ghosts. We frequented Jack Patrick's but only played two games of pool. The bride and her maid of honor were beautiful. It was a great trip. I wish it'd been a little warmer. It was fun spending so much time with Fred, B&K and the kids. Maybe I'll toast some raviolis tonight!

A Man Screams In The Woods

2010-04-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

Last night Miles and I went to watch the Lyrid Meteor Shower at 1:30 a.m. We drove towards Jenner and stopped past Duncan Mills on the roadside. We hadn't passed a single other car. With nothing around but cows, rolling hills, weird sounds and pitch blackness, it was totally nerve-wracking. It didn't help that I had mentioned the double-murder that happened on a Jenner beach a while back. We laid on the hood of the car and lasted only 5 minutes til we got PARANOID (the current FEEL BAD). Far in the distance we heard a man scream... it was long and drawn out, and definitely not a party-yell. We jumped in the car and went home!! We saw one meteor while driving and one each while laying there, so it wasn't all for naught! But we also learned that we're not ready to go more remote than we are just yet, hehe.

Yay Warm Sunny Day!

2010-04-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

What an awesome day Miles and I had. It all started when we went to the 101 Casino at 3 a.m. ... had some beers at 6 a.m., and then discovered free b-fast at 7:30 a.m.! Free biscuits and gravy! The biscuits were chewy, but that's an observation and not a complaint because - hey they were free! We came home and played some morning ping pong before we headed to Jenner for coffee with the birds and snakes at the mouth of the river. Then we drove to Healdsburg with an all-Centro-matic shuffle and explored Westside/Eastside Roads, and let the sun shine in everywhere. We searched everywhere for BBQ and when we found it it wasn't ready yet. So we settled for an It's Always Sunny marathon at home instead.

The other night I had really good chicken pot pie w/biscuit at P-30. They had crayons at each table, and I drew a picture of Douglas' favorite food items to date:

Initial List of Things Douglas Likes to/Wants to Eat or Drink

2010-04-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

1. Champagne
2. Tangerine peel
3. Grapes
4. Orange juice
5. Broccoli
6. Tortilla
7. Strawberry
8. Doritos
9. My toothbrush (WITH toothpaste)! He is so weird!

Little did I know that when I was inspired to get a smooshie by the most famous smooshie Winston, that our new smooshie would come complete with Winston-like characteristics like eating everything!!! He never smells anything first -- he just opens up his awkward-shaped mouth and noms it!

HBD+WH!

2010-03-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Life is very rad at the moment. We've lived in our new house in vacation-land for two months now, and it's starting to feel pretty normal. I feel like my body is finally descending the stress pole as I become more accustomed and accepting that this is really what life is like now. I love our surroundings so much. As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, I know we're in store for many months of awesomeness. Driving to & from work through the redwoods and the vineyards and the daffodils and the calla lilies stokes me out everyday!!

Last week while Miles was away at SXSW Jane visited. We did lots of awesome things. We ate maccies at the airport, we ate maccies at Underwood but no bocce ball, we ate not-so-good-but-not-terrible maccies at the weird alien restaurant, we went to see the 5 corns, we hung out with NBF Doug (not Douglas the cat) and the Megatouch, we hung out with Douglas the cat, we played air hockey, we had a raps party in SF til 5:45 a.m., we went bubbles tasting, and we drank a lot of rosé champagne just in general. It was all awesome!!!

And Happy Birthday, LOML!!!!!!!!!!!!

Introducing Dougalas

2010-03-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

Here is our new kitty Douglas.

This is the tongue he likes to lick our chins with.

He is ve adorable! We are so glad to give him a home!!

Don't We Know It

2010-02-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

Happiest place in California

Study: Sonoma County ranks first in state, fifth in nation for well-being

By NATHAN HALVERSON
THE PRESS DEMOCRAT

Love Life

2010-02-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

Hello, My Name Is Jazz

2010-01-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

Here is the view from my desk at my new job:

Man, my new co-worker is lazy!!

2010-01-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

Here is the view from where I'm sitting in my new living room:

The Sun Is Poking Thru The Redwoods and Rain

2010-01-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

I recently wrote an article about my cancer experience for a friend's magazine. It's interesting to look back at cancer treatment vs. being in the thick of it.

-------------------------------------------
The old me associated the word “cancer” with a certain and fast-approaching death. 24 hours post-diagnosis I couldn’t even say “cancer” out loud. The new me sees cancer as many different and often-conflicting things: a hardship, an annoyance, a shadow, a gift, a challenge, an isolator, a unifier, and just plain old cancer. Cancer exists, and I am here in the moment with it.

I was told via telephone that I had breast cancer in October 2008 – I was just 28 years old. “Hi Teresa, this is Dr. Dimsdale ... I’m afraid I have bad news ... your biopsy shows that it is breast cancer ....” I lost my voice. I lost my breath. I stared at Miles for what felt like a lifetime but was probably just 3 seconds. I thought about how the look on my face was certainly devastating him. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of losing Miles. I was afraid of Miles losing me. I was angry at how unfair it would be for him to lose his soon-to-be-wife.

It all began in September 2008. Miles casually draped his arm around me on the couch and noticed a lump near my armpit. Slight hypochondriac that I am – my heart skipped a beat when he said “What’s this???” and I felt the lump with my fingertips. I quickly visited my OB/GYN, and he quickly dismissed it as “probably a cyst.” Luckily, he had the good sense to be thorough and order an ultrasound anyways.

Some less fortunate young women are dismissed by their doctors as being too young for cancer, while their tumor grows and grows. There has been recent controversy over how being cautious with younger women runs the risk of over-testing, leading to increased false positives and further unnecessary testing. Naturally, I’m in favor of early testing since I owe my life to the caution my doctor demonstrated.

My ultrasound revealed a solid black mass rather than a pocket of fluid, and my anxiety increased. Still, the doctor dismissed it as “probably a benign fibroadenoma,” and scheduled a biopsy to give us all peace of mind. Then came the biopsy, followed by agonizing waiting, followed by the fateful telephone call, which brings me back to this: Here I am, living in the present, though changed forever by my 15 months of cancer life.

Treatment was intense and scary, especially for someone who’d never been hospitalized or anesthetized before. Treatment kept me busy, to say the least. October and November: I had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, and recovered from them. November and December: I gave myself injections in the stomach everyday to create frozen embryos. December, January, February, March, and April: I hopped between the chemo chair and my bed. May: I tried to get rid of the painful rash and other side effects from chemo. June: I had my breast zapped everyday with radiation that turned my pores black. June, July, August and September: I writhed in pain every day and lost 20 pounds entirely not by choice. Oh, and did I mention that I worked 60% time throughout most of this?

My tumor was close to my left armpit. After I knew it was cancerous, my fingers subconsciously wandered over to feel it, and I obsessed over wanting it out of my body as soon as humanly possible. Those 24 days between diagnosis and surgery were pure torture. Since my tumor was small enough, I opted for a lumpectomy – a breast-conserving surgery to remove only the tumor rather than the entire breast. Driving to the hospital that morning, I saw 5 golden retrievers in 15 minutes. Retrievers are now my good luck omen! I was more scared of general anesthesia for the first time than the surgery itself. My mindfulness breathing exercises and my wonderful surgeon’s reassurance calmed me as I waited. They had me climb up onto the operating table myself, which struck me as weird. But hey – I was a n00b to surgery – what did I know?! I woke up hours later on a morphine drip, and I think I asked my nurse over and over again what her name was. Suddenly, Miles was at my bedside with a huge smile on his face. He excitedly told me the sentinel lymph nodes they removed were cancer-free, but I was too drugged up to comprehend. All I knew was Miles was happy, and that made me happy. We actually celebrated a few days later on Election Day 2008, when Dr. Awesome called and confirmed that the lymph nodes had been dissected and were 100% clear! I called Miles and danced around Safeway telling him the good news. To put this into context – cancer can typically spread to other organs by two ways: more commonly through the body’s lymphatic system, and less commonly through the bloodstream. It was tremendous news that I was cleared on one of the two!

With surgery out of the way, I was very eager to start chemotherapy. I thought, “C’mon, what are we waiting for, let’s hurry up and kill any cancer cells that might be hiding out!” But doctor’s orders said my body had to recover from surgery before it could handle the toxic chemical treatments. After all, I still had a plastic drain bag poking out of my boob, collecting pink and red blood and bodily waste. Recovery wasn’t as bad as I expected. After a few days of tolerable pain, I felt pretty decent other than my left arm’s limited range of movement, for which I had to do daily stretching exercises. Two weeks later I pulled off the final steri-strip and gasped at how ... NICE my scar looked. Leave it to Dr. Awesome to give me a beautiful, hardly-noticeable, smile-shaped scar!

Dr. Awesome was very on the ball, and recommended Miles and I freeze some future babies. Some chemotherapy causes a woman to enter menopause (we call it “chemo-pause”), and there’s always the risk that it will be permanent. The window of time for an IVF cycle was very narrow, because my chemo was scheduled to start soon. So around the time of surgery I dove right in to the multiple drugs needed to grow extra eggs in the ovaries. I had to self-inject the drugs into my stomach daily. The first injection was nerve-wracking, but the rest were a breeze. After a couple weeks, my belly was bloated and I went in daily for the doctors to measure the size of each egg. On the monitor, I saw my ovaries full of 15 eggs each – it was crazy! When they were finally large enough for retrieval, I had surgery #2. By then, anesthesia was old hat, and anyhow it was only “heavy sedation” that time. I woke up disappointed to learn that only 12 out of 30+ eggs were viable. I later learned that only 8 were healthy enough to form actual embryos. Still, 8 babies-on-ice was a fantastic insurance policy, in case my period never returned.

December rolled around and I’d healed well from surgery. I wasn’t afraid of chemo because I was thrilled to do everything possible to rid my body of cancer. However, I visited the chemo center the day before my first treatment. I felt like crying after seeing the room filled with people twice my age and even older. My suffering brain thought, “I’m not supposed to be here!” But by the time I went in for my first session, I was over the initial shock. As they stuck me with needles and started the toxic juices flowing, Miles and I settled in for a few hours. We played Gin Rummy and talked with the cheerful and warm older man beside me who was treating Stage IV lung cancer. Throughout my 4.5 months of weekly chemo, Miles and I noticed that everyone was always so cheerful – including us! In fact, one of the nurses joked with us that we’d won “Cutest Couple” award based on a nurses’ vote.

At long last, chemo ended. Chemo left me some presents in its wake. Some were bad: I couldn’t sleep a solid night through, and I was plagued with the daily 6 am hot flashes of a 55-year old woman. Some were worse: I had intense weekly migraines with my last 8 chemo treatments that had me writhing in bed for 72 hours at a time. And some were just plain annoying: All my fingernails were brown and dead, my fingertips were constantly numb from neuropathy, I had recurring mouth sores, I’d developed asthma, and I had a nasty rash on my arms, ankles and face. Nine months later I still have discolored skin from the rash.

Radiation treatments started after several weeks of recovering from chemo. Radiation was easy. I had an initial planning appointment, where I laid on a table and the techs lined my breasts up with monstrous machines and green laser lights. They tattooed two blue dots on my chest to mark the treatment area. Then I came in every Monday thru Friday for 19 days to get zapped. Each session only took 15 minutes and the techs were always on time. Dare I say that it was … pleasant? Well … “pleasant” once I stopped trying to wrap my brain around how painless, invisible radiation that cooked my skin til it was black was somehow good for me.

My mid-June birthday fell the day before my last radiation treatment. However, I’d developed severe and chronic stomach problems. Instead of celebrating both my birthday and my triumphant final day of cancer treatment with a fun meal and a hike at Mt. Tam – I spent all day pooping and barfing (at the same time), with the worst stomach pain of my life. During June, July, August and September I lost 20 pounds. Every time I ate food, like clockwork an hour later I had abdominal pain that lasted for hours. Nothing alleviated it. I quickly learned that plain white rice, chicken broth, and fruit smoothies were the only safe items, and I limited myself to those out of fear of pain. I went to six doctors and one acupuncturist. I had an abdominal ultrasound, MRI, CT scan, colonoscopy, endoscopy, urine test, blood test, and a poop test, and the doctors learned nothing. Here is where I learned (at the worst possible time) that many doctors are lousy, sloppy and uncaring. My oncologist passed me off to a specialist, and said he was “happy to wash his hands of the problem” (insert here: hand-motion of wiping one’s hands clean). The specialist prescribed meds that didn’t work, told me to keep taking them regardless, and then never contacted me again after my CT scan (not even with the results). My general practitioner said she could help expedite an appointment, then never returned my call after passing me to a specialist who was booked solid for 5 weeks. After an extensive search, I finally found a general practitioner and new oncologist that actually cared! The new oncologist – Dr. Awesome #2 – slowly, but finally fixed me in late September with digestive enzymes. I’m eternally grateful.

I’ve been on the upswing since October 2009. In October, Miles and I bought a house in the woods. I missed my one-year diagnosis anniversary because I was already moving on. It’s amazing how quickly the human brain and heart can forget bad memories. I’ve gained a lifetime of knowledge from my experience, but there are a few particular points worth mentioning.

First, cancer taught me to be assertive with doctors. After my stomach ordeal with many doctors who failed me, I became extremely cynical about healthcare. I’ve learned that only you can speak up about your healthcare, your comfort, and your needs. Don’t let doctors make you feel like you’re burdening them or taking up their precious time, and don’t let them brush your questions or concerns aside.

Second, I learned that working during breast cancer treatment was not for me. I was the Office Administrator for a mid-sized law firm. Now, everyone is different – some women want to and do work full-time during breast cancer treatment, and some don’t work at all. But my boss pressured me heavily to work during treatment. When I told him I needed time off for chemo, his first words to me were, “Well, a long time ago I knew so-and-so that did chemo, and she worked every single day at her job on TV.” Gee, thanks Steve… talk about setting an impossible bar! I asked to hire a temporary replacement, he said he preferred not to. So I worked as much as I could and gave my all to keep running my office. I worked about 60% through my entire nine months of treatment. I then had a complete mental breakdown from stress, and demanded 3 full months off to recover from the cumulative effects of treatment. Unfortunately, this was the same 3 months of stomach pain, so there really was no “recovery.” I should have been more assertive about my health needs at work as well. I regret working, and I think my recovery has taken longer because of it. My advice to cancer newbies contemplating working is – listen to your body and don’t neglect yourself!

Last, I learned there’s no room in life for the “what if” game. I’ve always been a worrier, and I’ve had panic attacks. Cancer amplified my anxiety…

“What if the cancer cells are spreading through my bloodstream?”
“What if my cancer comes back?”
“What if that pain in my shoulder is a recurrence in my bones?!”
“What if that benign liver lesion on the CT is actually a recurrence?!!”
“What if we buy a house and then I recur!?!”
“What if we have kids and then I die while they’re young!!?!!”
“What if?! WHAT IF?! WHAT IF!??!?”

Coincidentally, before my diagnosis I’d discovered mindfulness practice and meditation. It’s been a wonderful tool during this trying time, and a thing I try to always keep near. I’ve learned that there’s nothing more important than the present moment, and it’s helped me curb my “what if” blues.

In many ways, cancer has been a wonderful gift. Is that crazy of me to say? It’s enriched my life and opened the door of gratefulness. My bond with my husband, parents, brother and close friends has strengthened more than imaginable. After I didn’t even notice my one-year cancer-versary passing, two days later Miles and I closed escrow on our first house! We’re ecstatic beyond words to move next week to live in the woods, and to enjoy a much slower life. Cancer matured us rapidly – we were forced to choose what we wanted to deem truly important in life. Absent cancer, we probably wouldn’t be where we’re at now so soon: blissfully married, moving in to our first beautiful house in the redwoods (complete with ping-pong in the garage!), with our two kitties and a future retriever, getting ready to have some amazing kids in the next couple years. Now – if only my darn period would hurry up and start flowing again! ;)

New Life Begins

2010-01-18T09:31:00.001-08:00

That's what I wrote in my pocket calendar for today. Today's the first day of waking up in Guerneville without having to return to SF at all. It's 9:30 a.m. and I'm watching the rain come down against a backdrop of tall redwoods. As Fred said, life is a mystery.

A Tree Grows In Guerneville

2010-01-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

E -ager to be free with arbortory smiles

A -nd soon you'll have your tree just you & your hubby Miles

R -ealizing its like a Wes Anderson flick with a plot that you'd conceive

L -anguishing around Russian River with rednecks and homosexual guys and watch the fall of Earl's leaves

I Miss You, Trigger

2010-01-04T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today is the first anniversary of my beloved girl's passing. I miss her dearly and think about her constantly. Soon I will get to see her everyday together with Earl. :)

My Trigger Baby

2009-12-06T18:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed I gave birth to Trigger! I was in a hospital room and was having a baby. They told me to push and I was afraid it was going to hurt, but it didn't and also didn't take very long. Next thing I knew I delivered the (human) baby, and they handed it to me. I held it for a while but then was so tired from delivery that I handed it to Miles. Then it was suddenly Trigger and she jumped from his arms onto the floor and ran over to her food bowl. She started eating voraciously, and I thought "She's just a baby, she can't eat regular food!" so I fixed her a bowl of bran cereal with soy milk. She ate a little bit and stopped, so then I hand-fed her soggy bran flakes. It was nice to see her!

Beer Mouth

2009-12-04T00:32:00.000-08:00

I am lonely. LOML has been gone since Saturday on tour, and won't be back for a couple days still. I'm counting the days! At least Nutsy is on my pillow and Dumb Joe is on my other side. Nutsy, I love you so much little girl! You've gained so much weight lately and it's such a good thing! And when I say "little girl," I don't mean like Trigger "little girl," but a different "little girl" reserved all for you, my little grandma. You're going to live for another 10 years, I just know it!

The cancer experience has been a lot of things. It's taught me a lot. It's made me very sad and very happy. Cancer has been sobering. Cancer has been enlightening. Cancer has brought me and Miles closer in ways I never could have dreamed of. Yet at the same time cancer has been a lonely experience. (No offense to Miles, I know he knows that I'm not talking relative to the two of us.) Tonight I had the opportunity to vent some disappointment to one of a few people I thought might have been interested in my well-beings over the last year (but wasn't). It didn't go well. I'm that much happier that I've moved on from earlier parts of my life. Perhaps people in my peer group are too young or scared to be confronted with a life-threatening disease that isn't theirs. Perhaps they're too preoccupied with their own ups and downs. Perhaps they don't know what to say so they don't say anything. Or perhaps they just don't care. In any event, I AM very grateful for the few friends of mine who do care - I love you so much, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and being supportive.

Blah blah blah blah, I feel like I'm pooping from the mouth. Who cares?! Maybe it's the 64 oz of beer talking...

BEJEWELED BLITZ IS CURRENTLY OFFLINE

2009-12-01T00:43:00.000-08:00

I love the smell of wood-burning stove. I also love sleeping with a big old retriever taking up 2/3 of my bed (with her butt right in my face). I love how Joseph protects me at night. I don't love the reason behind the protective urge. I love life. I love the way things are working out. I love how Nutsy's gaining weight. I love shopping for cool stuff and ending up below budget.

Here are a couple random PHOTOS. This is me and Dan back in August in Texas - we swapped haircuts for a day:

This is my 3-pronged alien port. It's gone now, and all that's left behind is the scar and some lumpy scar tissue. I kind of preferred the symmetrical 3-prong guy, but I guess I'm glad he's gone:

A Brief Return to Illness

2009-11-20T21:57:00.000-08:00

I had a brief return to the land of the sick this week. I took an antibiotic (Bactrim) on Monday and within hours had an epiphany about what caused my ER trip back in July. I'm allergic to Sulfa drugs. I spent all Monday night, Tuesday and Wednesday in bed -- I couldn't stand because of constant muscle cramps in my calves. I am better now, and know better now!

I'm listening to the new Will Johnson/Jason Molina record and it's pretty good.

Things are pretty awesome right now. Looking up in many ways. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my kitties, I love my life. I love Bejeweled Blitz (thanks, Janeball).

On Being A Cat

2009-11-07T00:24:00.000-08:00

Miles just asked me if I would want to be a cat, and I wasn't sure. Miles asked me what the things were that I wouldn't like if I were Nutsy. And I said:

"Getting frustrated because sometimes my owners don't understand what I'm saying ...

and being left alone at home a long time sometimes ...

and losing my sister."

And then Miles pointed out that those were all my human fears in a nutshell, and that made me LOL a whole lot and then cry a little. And I wanted to write it all down so Miles told me to write it in my blog, so here it is.

Missed My 1-Year Diagnosis Anniversary!

2009-10-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

October 6 was my 1-year diagnosis anniversary - it slipped by for a day or two before I realized! Yay, what a good sign of how I'm moving on from cancer! Things have been going pretty well. The stomach issues are 95% resolved, and I'm back to eating almost everything (NOM!). Really only what remains are hot flashes and fatigue. Oh, and my period has yet to come back, I hope my menopause is not permanent. The fatigue is really bad right now, especially since I'm back to work F/T. After I get home, I've been going to sleep sometimes at 10 pm, sometimes at 7 pm, etc. It should get better with time though...

Miles & I also had our 1st wedding anniversary! We went to Ruth Chris, which was obviously awesome!! I'm so fortunate to have an insanely wonderful husband, who's been attached to my hip before, throughout, and after this whole crazy cancer ordeal. He makes me stronger, and he makes me a better person. I love you so much, darling!!

Therapy has been eye-opening in a good way. I'm acknowledging anxiety and panic that I've had for years and have tried to ignore. I'm eager to learn ways to move forward and eliminate them from my life.

Nutsy and Joseph are doing well. They had their annual checkup recently. Joseph pooped in the carrier -- of course. But TWICE!! I gave him his annual bath, which was kind of fun. He gives up and lets me wash him without a fight. Then once he's dry, his fur is softer than ever! I miss Trigger so much, I can't believe it's been 9 months. Her passing has helped me realize that with grief... you do move on, and life does go on, and the more time passes the easier it is to remember all the good things without getting too sad. No need to cling to a suffering you can't change...

Coming Around

2009-09-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

As I sit here multi-tabling these funny little superturbo pushfold 10bb tournies, I probably shouldn't be distracting myself with writing this blog post or thinking about five gratitudes ... but, well, I am. :) Five gratitudes instantly come to mind.
I am...
1. grateful that my stomach is coming around.
2. grateful that my body is coming around.
3. grateful that my husband is the best. (Question: Which husband is the best husband?)
4. grateful that my dentist made me smile a lot today.
5. grateful my awesome parents are coming soon.

I started working full-time again this week. I had two cavities filled yesterday and my teeth cleaned today. I like how clean teeth feel after a good polishing. I made an appointment with a therapist next week. I've never done therapy, so that should be interesting. I watched the stairs door shut behind me when I left work today instead of rushing out. I remembered to breathe when I started to get irritated today, and my annoyance melted away. I am liking mindful Teresa. Or rather, I should say - there is a happiness.

My Body The Turtle

2009-08-09T00:17:00.000-07:00

In a lot of ways, my body has been slowly, slowly healing. I still have body aches and back/shoulder pains, but they don't prevent me from sleeping anymore. And I still have hot flashes, but they don't always wake me up at 6 am anymore. My biggest nemesis, my stomach, is nowhere near fixed yet. I miraculously had a few days break in the pain. I got so excited to eat that I overdid it. I need to nurture my poor tummy like a fragile flower, and instead I ate Arby's and pizza. Now it's back to hurting again daily. I'm so tired of it, so tired of eating rice and soup. So tired of being confined to the house or at least close by so I can come home and crawl in bed with my heating pad. I'm also so frustrated with the gastroenterologist. He has not called me with the CT-abdomen results, and it was 3 weeks ago!!! I found out from an unrelated doctor that the scan was fine. I guess the ugly truth is that most doctors simply don't care about you, as long as they make money and avoid lawsuits.

One doctor/medical group that does care is Dr. Singh at One Medical Group. Finally, I have found someone/someplace that cares. Too bad they don't have an oncologist...

I've been so tired of being cooped up at and around the house. Today we went to watch the sun rise at Mt. Tam. Then we stopped to take a walk on the beach until my stomach ruined the lovely morning. But we saw this dude!!!!!!!!!!!

He was with a bunch of other dude friends!

He came over to me on the beach and I pet him. Then he whipped around, put his front paws in the water and barked at the ocean. He was so awesome. I love him!

My hair is growing! It's already weird to look at my bald pictures and remember I was completely bald for 6+ months. I really love my hair right now, I think I'll stick with the shaved head for a while. Hah, along with my new head of hair, I've also been blessed with some unwanted facial hair! I think it's the fact that I'm still in menopause and my hormones are all messed up, combined with the fact that all this new hair on my body has never been bleached by the sun. It's not my favorite. But I'll take a mustache over cancer any day!

Brain Metastatis Scare

2009-07-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

The weekend after my last post I was really sick. My migraine developed a new symptom: every time I moved my eyes around I had a flash of white light and pain in my head. I also had a fever of 102 with chills. On Monday I called my GP for an appointment but they told me to go to the ER instead. I spent 7 hours at the ER. They put me on IV fluids and gave me morphine for the head pain. The ER doctor told us he was afraid it could be a breast cancer recurrence in my brain, and he didn't want me to leave til I had a brain MRI. He also went on to say that if it was brain mets, they would check me into the hospital that night. Miles and I spent the next few hours waiting and thinking there was a good chance I now had Stage IV cancer... that was a lot of fun. But I finally got the MRI and it was normal!!!!!! The ER sent me home with a prescription for Percocet and that was that.

Difficulties

2009-07-16T04:41:00.001-07:00

It's 4:40 am and I'm up because I had a caffeine-induced panic attack and couldn't sleep. I took Excedrin+caffeine twice today for a migraine, and didn't consider beforehand that I'm 15 pounds lighter and haven't drank caffeine in months. It obliterated my migraine pain, but made me terribly dizzy and made me freak out.

I've had a difficult many weeks. My abdominal pain started on June 9. It's July 15 and I've had no relief. I've seen my oncologist twice, two GPs, a gastroenterologist, an acupuncturist, and a naturopath. I've done all kinds of tests: blood test, urine test, abdominal ultrasound, an endo/colonoscopy, and right now I'm finishing up poo samples so they can test for parasites. It's been suggested that the pain is anything from gastritis to excess bile to gallbladder disease to post-chemo damage to hypersensitivity reaction. Every doctor has their own opinion, and every doctor says something different. Through trial and error, I've finally found some relatively nutritious things that my stomach can hack, and I limit myself to those things. I'm gonna start some vitamins and supplements suggested by the naturopath to help build up my digestive system. Crossing my fingers...

The last few weeks were full of disappointment with doctors and feelings of being neglected. It culminated this week in a cancer scare...

I've wanted to switch oncologists for a while, especially being post-treatment and now depending on follow-up care for the rest of my life. My current oncologist gives me no guidance at all. For example, when he referred me to a GI doctor for my abdominal pain, he literally said "I'm happy to wash my hands of this..." [insert hand-wiping motion here].

I recently got copies of my records from his office. I saw a letter in my file from my 2nd opinion oncologist to my 2nd opinion surgeon. In the letter from 7 months ago she wrote: "Of note, the bilateral MRI of October 2, 2008, showed a right sided lesion of 1.3 x 2 x 1.8 cm ... an MRI suggesting an unclear abnormality on the right side which will require further follow up ... The right breast should be followed by MRI and mammogram in 3 to 6 months by her local physician."

What!!!! No one ever mentioned something abnormal on my right side, and I haven't had any follow-up!

The puzzling thing was she mentioned my October 2nd MRI ... yet, my MRI was on October 16th. I immediately hoped she'd made an error, but it seemed weird that she mentioned the abnormality multiple times in the letter.

I contacted my onc who didn't even know I'd had an MRI. My surgeon was supposed to have forwarded my whole file. So I contacted my surgeon, and though he told me early on that he reviewed my MRI images with his radiology department, my file didn't have any report or printouts confirming the right side was clean. He was also supposed to have received the original MRI report, but never followed up. So my onc called the hospital and they couldn't find my MRI in their system! Aaauugggh!!

To make a long story short... both my surgeon and onc finally got my original MRI report and confirmed my right side was clean. The 1.3 x 2 x 1.8 cm lesion the dumb other onc mentioned in the letter was the size of my left cancer. She must have been high when she dictated the letter talking all about my left side cancer and the right side abnormality.

Thank goodness I was on the side of her error that didn't affect my treatment. But it makes me wonder what other mistakes she's made that may have caused someone real grief, rather than just this awesome stress-induced migraine.

Poop Post

2009-07-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

Monday I finally saw a Gastroenterologist. My abdominal pain stumped him, and he scheduled me quickly for an endoscopy/colonoscopy on Thursday. I took this stuff called Osmoprep the evening before to prep for the colonoscopy. I took 20 pills with 5 glasses of water in one hour, and then waited for the onslaught. I pooped 15 times that night!!! The next morning I took the remaining 12 pills with 3 glasses of water and the festivities continued.

On Thursday, I arrived at the Endoscopy Center and they prepped me with my IV. The doc sprayed some kind of anaesthetic in my throat and told me to swallow. It was the grossest-tasting liquid ever, and it instantly made my throat numb. It felt so weird, and I thought I couldn't breathe because I couldn't feel my throat. But two breaths later, I was already falling asleep from the sedation. I guess I woke up an hour later, but I don't remember anything -- not the doctor talking to me and Miles, not getting dressed, not leaving the Center, not stopping at Walgreen's, not telling Miles if the doc asked if I was mad at him for the Osmoprep. LOL. When I got home I passed out for four hours, and woke up with a sore throat. I discovered the doc had given us color printout pictures of my stomach and colon, that was pretty cool. Looks like I have erosive gastritis (inflammation of the stomach), possibly caused by bile reflux. He gave me some pills to take. I'm so thankful he didn't see anything worse, yet at the same time I'm thankful that he saw something so maybe I can finally get some relief...

Ready to Relax Time Pls

2009-06-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

Treatment is done (yay!) and I've been off work for 2 weeks (yay!). But alas, I haven't started relaxing yet. :( For 18 days straight now, every time I eat solid food I have severe abdominal pain for hours. My diet has been reduced to the following items that don't hurt me: soup, fruit smoothies, yogurt, raisin bran and milk, and plain rice. Consequently, I've lost 10 pounds. Though I've been wanting to lose a little weight, I'm not happy it happened this way with the forced diet.

My oncologist tested my blood and I had an abdominal ultrasound, and everything came back normal (whew!). He put me on Prilosec and said it could take 7 days to work, and then pretty much washed his hands of it. 7 days of torture later I saw my GP. She was very kind and understanding, but couldn't really help me and referred me to see a Gastroenterologist. Then came the sucky part where I called a bunch of docs and no one could see me sooner than 2-5 weeks from now. I cried in the middle of the night because I was in pain for the umpteenth time and was so frustrated that no one was taking it seriously enough to want to help me NOW. Luckily, this morning one of the docs called back and squeezed me in for Monday afternoon. I'm so ready to be fixed. I haven't been able to live my normal life! Other than short walks, I haven't left the house for fear of being away from my heating pad and bed if the pain starts. I haven't been able to enjoy a nice outdoor weekday lunch. And though this time off work is for "recovery," I certainly don't feel like that has started yet.

Ok, I'll stop complaining now.

Despite the downer pain... not having to think about work has been amazing. Miles and I have been going on short walks to help with my energy. Our favorite thing is to walk to get a Jamber and drink it in Duboce Dog Park watching all the dudes! Yesterday I saw the most beautiful youngish golden with the silkiest flowy hair. No bulldog, basset or G-Dane sightings yet though. I am hopeful...

Many Celebrations

2009-06-14T04:22:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me, happy last day of treatment, and happy 6 weeks off work to recover!!!!

My hair and eyebrows are on the mend!

Close to the End

2009-06-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

I only have 8 rads left and then treatment is done. This is a good thing. There are some downsides though. I'm worried that when I'm done, work has this expectation that I'm ready to TCB. But in fact, for the 8 months of treatment I've had I'll probably need 8 months to really recover. I'm so tired all the time and achey everywhere and always in some kind of pain or distress. Also, without treatment to distract me, now comes the time to deal with everything on a mental and emotional level. I have felt really wrecked lately. I'm scared to death that I'll recur with mets and life will be cut short. Some days I don't acknowledge that fear, but it doesn't mean it's not there. I guess it's gonna take some time. But how can one not worry when the doc says your aggressive cancer is likely to recur in the first 5 years if it's gonna happen, or when the doc says to wait at least 2 years to have kids in case you do recur? I sure am looking forward to that carefree feeling again someday...

In good news, my eyebrows are growing back. It was not a big deal without them because I'm not particularly vain... but man, seeing them again makes me realize how weird I looked and I'm happy to have them back.

On The Last Leg...

2009-05-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

I started radiation treatment last week. Today was 7 of 19 treatments. I go in five days a week for a month. It sounds like a lot to get up and go everyday, but it's really not that bad. It's weird to think about getting that much radiation to my body, even if it's just localized to one area... but I've mostly gotten past the weirdness.

So I go in and lay in a mold created for my upper torso. These green laser lights shine on my body like crosshairs, and the techs push and pull me to line the machine up with the two tiny tattoos on my chest. When it's perfect, they leave the room and talk to me through speakers. A screen in front of me shows my breathing patterns in the form of a wave, and when they tell me to I take a deep breath and hold it between two lines on the screen. That's when the magic happens, and it lasts 10-20 seconds each time. I get one zap from the right and two from the left. It's totally painless, but I'll get some skin irritation soon, like a super intense sunburn.

The first couple days of radiation really bummed me out just like the start of chemo did. Being in a new place getting normally toxic stuff done to my body that I don't totally understand, ugh. Looking around and seeing that I'm surrounded by people over twice my age, ugh. It feels like the other patients look at me like I'm out of place ... but maybe I'm just projecting? I feel I've mostly upbeat so far, with only a few "bad days" throughout this ordeal. I tend to feel like I'm selfish by feeling sorry for myself and wondering "Why me?" I try to remind myself that I have so many things to be grateful for. But sometimes it's really really hard to stay positive. I think I'm allowed those days. But still it kind of makes me feel bad in a different way like I'm being really ungrateful for the great things I do have. So maybe what I'm trying to say is ... maybe I haven't been honest with myself about how hard this has been to come to terms with??

I Miss Cat Party

2009-05-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

I miss Cat Party terribly...

Chemo is Finished!

2009-05-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

I'm finally done with chemo!!!!! My last treatment was on April 23. Here I am celebrating the last 15 minutes of my last infusion:

After my last chemo I still felt pretty awful for a week, had my weekly migraine, etc. Miles and I managed to get away for a one-night mini-celebration in the woods. We had an awesome time! We drank rootbeer and orange soda floats in the jacuzzi bathtub, with a fire going. We ate steaks at the Buckeye, where our waitress asked us "gentleman" if we were ready to order, LOL. We took lots of PHOTOS for our polaroid memoirs album. We enjoyed lots of rejuvenating fresh air, sunshine, and trees. This is one of my favorite photos from the mini-trip, and this might now be my favorite spot in the Bay Area now:

So wowow, I am finally done with chemotherapy! Four and a half months! What a great feeling! My gross, ouchy rash is still hanging on, but getting slowly better. All of my fingernails are still red and purple and yellow, but they'll eventually get better. My head still looks like either a baby elephant, really old man, or Linus, but I'll have hair again soon. My energy level is still at 50%, but I'm hoping someday I'll be 100% again. Chemo was hard, but I'm happy I did it.

I now only have 1/3 left of my treatment plan. The last step is radiation, which starts in two weeks. I'll go in Monday thru Friday for four weeks, for a daily zap of radiation to my left breast. I've already done my planning appointment. They made a mold of my body so that I stay perfectly still each time. They also tattooed two tiny dots on my breast so they know precisely where to point the x-rays. My radiation oncologist is pretty great, we like him very much. I was nervous about radiation and was worried about long-term effects of that much radiation to my body... and he really sat down with us, took his time, and made us feel very comfortable with everything.

My parents were just here for three days, and it was great! I wish we weren't so far away from each other. Though three days went by quickly, we made the best of it. We adventured in Marin and Sonoma, and drove a backroad through redwoods and fog where we were the only people on earth. We had a three-way celebration at Outback in honor of end of chemo, my Dad's birthday, and Mother's Day. I forgive Outback for not having potato soup. We played lots of Liverpool Rummy. I love my parents so much, I'm so thankful to have such amazing and kind and loving parents!

So my treatment will be finally finished mid-June just in time for my 29th birthday. Then what? Then things go back to "normal"? To some extent, I suppose. I'm scared of a few particular things happening post-treatment. First, I'm nervous that since I won't be seeing doctors every week, I'll be constantly worried about the cancer coming back. I feel like I might worry incessantly about every little bump or pain or ache in my body. To overcome this, I feel like I need to become more in tune with my body to learn what warrants worry and what doesn't. But, in absence of any bumps, pains or aches, I'm nervous that I'll still worry myself sick with the "what if"s of a future recurrence or metastasis. To overcome that, I'll just need to try to be more mindful of the present, rather than worry about the future. I don't think that's impossible, just difficult. The last big thing I'm worried about is I'm afraid of settling back into pre-cancer "normal" life. I honestly don't want that back. Well, one thing I've lost is my feeling of carefree-ness. I would like to have that back, and I think the way to do it is through mindfulness. But that's not what I'm talking about. Cancer has changed me a lot. It's made me better at prioritizing life and the things in it. It's helped me not sweat the small stuff and has helped me to de-stress my life a lot ... stuff like traffic, petty work issues, inconsiderate people, paying for expensive haircuts, silly disagreements or arguments with Miles ... it's easy to avoid getting wrapped up in those things now and focus on more important stuff. I also see that work doesn't have to be "just work," and I'm interested in finding something I'm passionate about, and making it happen. Cancer has affected me positively in that I see life with clear eyes, and I'm grateful for that. I'm worried that after active treatment, it could be easy to slip back into old ways and feelings, and I don't want that.

The Bad, The Worst and The Annoying

2009-04-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

I was unblinded in the clinical trial last Thursday and found out that I have been getting the Avastin. I hope this is a good thing. We're happy I ended up on it because the decision to do the trial was so difficult... once we made it, it would have been a bummer to find out I was on the placebo. I recently read a study that indicated Avastin in early-stage cancer might actually contribute to metastasis. But that was just one study. And really, what's worrying about it now going to do? ... I've already gotten a full course of it.

I cannot WAIT for Taxol to be done. Most people say that Taxol is more manageable than Adriamycin/Cytoxan... but it's been the opposite for me. AC put me in a haze for a whole week, but mostly I was just tired and I slept a lot, and sleeping was easy. I was fortunate to not have much nausea. On the other hand, Taxol started being miserable after the first 4 weeks, and it's gotten worse each week. I cringe at the thought that I still have to go through two more cycles...

The Bad: I cannot sleep, I have not gotten a solid night's sleep in many weeks. Before this I had never had any sleep problems, and maybe that makes it more frustrating for me now. Mainly it's the hot flashes that wake me up every couple hours. My typical sleep goes: wake up at 4 am, wake up at 6:30 am, wake up at 7:30 am, wake up at 8:30 am, etc. What is it about 6 to 8 a.m. that causes so many hot flashes???

The Worst: A few Thursday Taxol treatments in, I started having predictable headaches starting Saturday night or Sunday. I think they're migraines. They last 48 to 72 hours, I'm mildly nauseous the whole time, Tylenol and Advil don't do anything, Vicodin makes me vomit, my whole body aches, I can't sleep well enough to sleep through them, and so I usually just spend a couple days writhing around in bed. I finally started feeling decent just hours ago from this week's, which was a really bad one. :(

The Annoying: I have an allergic rash on my hands, arm and face. Most of my fingernails are getting brown and dying underneath & they're really tender so I can't do simple things like open a sodacan. My pinkie toenails are tender, so it hurts to walk around in shoes. My fingertips are a little numb all the time. Most food tastes like cardboard. Unless it's really spicy, in which case it completely burns my tongue... but I endure it, because I'd rather have tasty and painful over not having an appetite at all because there's no flavor. I keep getting a lesion in the corner where my lips meet. Every time I blow my nose it comes out bloody. I get hot flashes when I'm awake too. My eyelashes are starting to grow back and they're stubble right now, so each time I close my eyes they poke the other eyelid and it's annoying.

I know I'm being a total downer right now. I can't wait til chemo is over. There is a woman I deal with at work who apparently thinks this is a vacation for me, and it upsets me. When I talk to her on Wednesdays, she says "You're so lucky! You get to have a 4 day weekend while the rest of us have to work a couple more days!" The first time she said it, I balked and exclaimed that it was NOT a vacation, and reminded her that I'm having poisons put in my body. She laughed and said she was just trying to be lighthearted by teasing me. So I let it slide. Then the following Wednesday she said the exact same thing!!! Ugh!!

Only two more treatments, hooray! Then I get to see my parents for a couple days, I cannot wait! :)

How Many Biopsies Will I Have In My Life?

2009-04-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

Only 3 more left! Last week's treatment itself went okay. I had developed a weird and gross rash on my right hand. The nurses were concerned and made me see a doc to make sure it was okay to do treatment, which got me a little worried. The nurses and onc both thought it was shingles, and then the onc mentioned something about viral meningitis, which really got me nervous, etc etc. In the end, they went forward with the treatment. Afterwards I saw a dermatologist, who told me it definitely wasn't shingles, and said he wasn't that worried so that was good. But he wanted a skin biopsy to analyze what it was. Now, I've obviously been through worse pain, but it was kind of funny because all of the sudden my hand was getting poked, cut up and stitched. Also, though I logically knew it was for a different reason ... it was hard to hear "biopsy" and not immediately think "CANCER!" for a split second. In the meantime, the rash has gotten a little better with topical cream, whew.

I think I've also figured out that the headaches I get every Sun/Mon are migraines. Who knew? Last week's was the worst - I spent 3 days in bed and barfed each day.

Next treatment I get unblinded and find out if I've been getting Avastin or not. Not really sure what I'm hoping for...

Only Four Mour!

2009-03-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I finished Taxol #8 yesterday, only four more to go!! I can't believe I am so close to finishing chemotherapy, it's been a long time. I've been bald for 3 months already, wow. We finally got around to taking some chemo photos.

How many more hours left?!

Here is where the needle goes into the port in my chest:

This is the opposite of how chemo normally makes me feel:

Voted Best Couple

2009-03-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah... one of my awesome chemo nurses (John) told me and Miles: "The yearbook committee met, and you guys were voted cutest couple!" And a couple weeks prior a different awesome nurse pointed out this cute elderly couple who mentioned that they loved seeing the two of us together. Both very nice compliments that made me smile. :) I have blessed with a lucky and wonderful life!

Taxol #6 and #7 Done

2009-03-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm done with Taxols #6 and #7. I've been getting terrible headaches like clockwork on Sundays for a few weeks now, and they last for a couple days, ouch! Otherwise, I'm just glad to be heading down the homestretch right now... only 5 moar chemos!

Otherwise, I haven't been doing too much except sleeping off the headaches, working when I'm able to, spending time with the LOML, trying to be more mindful at online poker, petting Nutsy and Joseph, and drinking Sunkist floats. Despite the cancer and chemo right now ... I have a wonderful life!

Miles and I spent a really nice Saturday in Santa Cruz, hanging with his Dad and the dogs and the sunshine and the fresh air:

Taxol #4 and #5 Done

2009-03-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

I completed Taxol #4 last week and Taxol #5 yesterday. The #4 infusion went awfully. I had an ocular migraine, and maybe a real migraine too? I felt like poop during the whole thing. And then the Sunday following infusion I felt sick & worse than I had in weeks. Luckily, yesterday's #5 was a breeze! I felt fine and dozed off at the end of it because of the Benadryl, but then I came home and didn't even need to nap (which was a first). Each chemo brings me one more week closer to being done!

Lately I have been in pretty good spirits. I spent a couple of weeks back constantly worrying about recurring to Stage IV even though I am just a Stage I right now. It's immensely scary to think that although my lymph nodes got the all-clear, that my cancer may have unleashed some cells into my bloodstream that could travel to any organ of my body and latch on and start growing. All without me knowing or anyone being able to detect them before it was too late! I mean, that is some seriously scary stuff. But what I have realized (and have to realize in order to stay sane) is that worrying does no good. First of all, stats say that this is an unlikely event for a Stage I. So if I worry and worry for the rest of my long life and nothing happens, I will have wasted a lot of time and energy on unnecessary negativity. And second of all, if it did happen, worrying right now would not prepare me for how to really deal with it. So it's easier said than done, but I just have to stop worrying about it. Not looking at the Metastatic forums on YSC is a good first step, LOL. YSC is a website called Young Survival Coalition, dedicated to bringing together us young gals with this cancer that normally affects women at a much later age. On one hand, the message boards have a ton of useful information and the women there are a great source of information and support. On the other hand, I have to remember that I'm going to read a lot of scary things on message boards, simply for the fact that someone going through problems/issues is more likely to post than someone who is all-clear, years out of diagnosis, doing great and no longer thinking about cancer. Sometimes it's hard to keep that in perspective.

Anyhow, cancer is scary. It has changed our life. My perspective on life and the things in it has completely topsy-turvied. Does it sound weird to say that I am very grateful for that? Once treatment is done, I hope that I'm able to move forward with my "new" life, and not let myself become paralyzed with fear of recurrence.

The Vet

2009-02-25T00:09:00.000-08:00

I'm taking Nutsy to the vet for an overdue checkup soon, and it's making me sad. I brought out Trigger's cat carrier for the first time since. Well, it's not specifically her carrier... but it had a piece of masking tape with her name on it from a long time ago, and I haven't used it for any of the other kitties in a while. So yeah, I guess it was her carrier. :( Nutsy came over and sniffed the carrier thoroughly. She clearly smelled Trigger, it was ve sad.

Halfway Thru Chemo

2009-02-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

I'm halfway thru chemo, wheeee! Time has gone really fast, I think it's because the first 2 months of AC put me in a perma-fog. Now things are better. I had Taxol #3 yesterday, it was the best of my treatments so far. I got Benadryl pills instead of in the IV, so I didn't get all wonky. Also, the waiting room was empty so we got a chair quickly, and we got to sit in a private room in the back with the sun shining in. Miles and I played Gin Rummy and made-up card tricks, and the time went fast. Instead of finishing after 5 pm like we predicted, we got out of there around 3:30! And I even felt good enough to stop and eat lunch on the way home. I crashed for a few hours when we got home though, like usual.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. :)

Menopause Sucks!

2009-02-17T20:13:00.000-08:00

The sample inhaler medication (Advair) that the pulmonologist gave me is scary and evil. Besides having some weird "black box warning label" and a huge list of awful side effects which he failed to mention... I can't sleep whatsoever when I take it. I took it for 3 days, and for 3 days I saw the sun come up. Unfortunately, it seemed to help my breathing, and now that I stopped taking it the shortness of breath is back. I'm not sure what to do. I hate doctors. Except for my beloved Dr. Awesome.

I'm also having menopausal hot flashes, mostly when I'm trying to sleep. Note to self: don't ever go into menopause because it sucks! There is a good chance that after I'm done with chemo and my body readjusts, my period will come back. I sure hope so. And if not, then well, at least we have the frozen embryos! Weird!

Eel-Cats and Turtle-Cats

2009-02-12T21:55:00.000-08:00

I had Taxol #2 today. It went so-so. They gave me 50mg of Benadryl in my IV, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me feel so weird and loopy... I felt super drunk but even more. I couldn't speak and was afraid to drink water because I thought I would drop the cup. It was really weird and I didn't like it. But the Taxol itself went alright. I came home and slept for a few hours. Oh yeah, when we were leaving chemo, the nurse told us that an older couple commented to her that they saw Miles and I in the waiting room and thought we were such a vibrant young couple so much in love. Aww, that was really nice to hear.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. There was a fishtank in my brother's room with a giant yellow eel. The eel started came out of the water and morphed into a sopping wet cat. It ran out of the room and went to prowl the house. A few minutes later it came over and jumped in my lap and started purring. I thought it was Trigger come back to me and started talking to it, and soon realized it was definitely not Trigger. Then it was hanging out on the bed with me and Joseph. Joseph did a little somersault and the weird cat copied him, and then morphed into Joseph-color. I pet it some more and discovered a zipper on its back. I unzipped the cat and it just had pillow stuffing inside. In the meantime, my Mom had called The Wall Street Journal to do a story about the cat. Then all of the sudden Trigger was on the bed with us as well. She locked eyes with me and looked so sad. I started crying and told her I missed her so much, but that she didn't belong here anymore and that she needed to go back even though I didn't want her to. We talked for a while, and then she was gone. The Wall Street Journal showed up, but zipper cat had disappeared. The end. I know it's boring to read other people's dreams, so mostly this is for my benefit so I'll remember this awesome dream.

During my chemo nap I also had a weird dream. I was at a dinner party and we were playing a game. I correctly figured out that the poker hand of 9s full of 10s represented The Cure's "Pictures of You." I know, it doesn't make any sense.

I also uploaded some PHOTOS from my camera today.

Here is the cat party that happened the day before Trigger passed. I'm glad all three got to spend a little last cuddle time together:

Me on the plane with a nasty cold. Miles made me wear a facemask so I didn't get even sicker:

Steak & chicken tenders in-room dining!

After I woke up from my chemo nap I was still kind of loopy and had this bright idea:

I like this one a lot:

My bald head:

Asthmatic

2009-02-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a lung specialist to see why I'm having such awful bouts of shortness of breath. Because it's so sporadic, he thinks I may have asthma. Awesome, more health problems! Just kidding. If it really is asthma I'm thankful because there are so many worse things I envisioned causing it. But still... asthma? That was weird to hear. So he gave me a couple of inhalers to try for two weeks to see if they help my attacks. I'm very glad someone's finally trying to do something about it, because my oncologist has been so unhelpful.

I've been complaining a lot lately, so I'd like to talk about something nice: what an awesome, caring, handsome, funny, and understanding husband (+ best friend/LOML/caretaker) I have! Even though it's been a few months, it's still so new to say "husband," I love it! Miles has always been an amazing dude, and so clearly the one for me. But since my diagnosis he's really gone above and beyond as the most caring husband ever. He hangs out with me during my long hours in the chemo chair. He preemptively plans his schedule to make sure he's there if he thinks I might be feeling ill or needing him. He makes me awesome healthy smoothies in the morning. He cheers me up when I make the mistake of reading the "Rememberance Board" on YSC. He brightens up my miserable work days with a LOML text. Remember when I used to count the number of days in a row we'd been together (because after our first date we never spent a day apart)? Well, it's been four years now!!! And I'm still thanking my lucky stars! I love, lurve, luff, luv you, Miles, you are the LOML!!

So Sick and Tired

2009-02-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and tired. I've had a full-blown cold for 2 weeks now. It feels like it's finally (hopefully?) easing up a little bit. It just sucks that my body isn't able to fight it off like normal. Just another great benefit of chemo! Just kidding. Chemo is hard, but I know it's doing wonders for my "long-run," which is what really matters. I don't really have much to say. Just plugging away, trying to keep my energy and spirits up. Trying to wear the Buddha half-smile, which helps.

Chemo #5 Done

2009-02-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

This morning was Chemo Round #5. I started Taxol today. It took forever -- they had to pump me full of pre-meds, and the Taxol itself had to go in slowly because of potential allergic reactions. All in all though, I feel better post-Taxol than I felt post-AC. I came home and slept for a few hours, and I'm still thoroughly wiped out. But I don't feel the fogginess that came with AC, I'm very thankful for this. Taxol may still give me some new side effects... but we'll see.

My Taxol treatment will be weekly for the next 12 weeks. Knowing that we wouldn't really be able to make plans and go anywhere for the next 12 weeks, Miles and I got away for a couple days right before Taxol. It was not a good idea. I was sick with a cold or something, and with my weak immune system I just got sicker while we were away. Luckily I feel like I'm slowly on the mend now. And still, it was nice to get away from the daily cancer/treatment grind for a short time.

It's hard not to get depressed every now and then. I read stories about Stage 1 girls who suddenly metastasize to Stage 4 because their cancer spread undetected through the bloodstream. It's definitely scary. I have to continuously tell myself that worrying about it does me absolutely no good. Miles makes a good point when he reminds me that worrying about it now will certainly not prepare me for it if it ever were to happen, and if it never happens I will just have wasted that time worrying. I also have to remember that for every devastating cancer story, there is an equally uplifting cancer survival story. I also have to remember that there are so many things that we do have to be thankful for right now. The fact that it hadn't spread to my lymph nodes. The fact that my tumor was relatively small, less than 2 cm. The fact that I'm officially Stage 1 right now. The fact that my lumpectomy got clear margins, meaning they effectively removed the entire cancerous tumor. The fact that chemo has a very high chance of eliminating anything remaining or anything potentially dangerous to me in the future. The fact that radiation will increase my chances as well by obliterating any microscopic bits that may (but likely not) remain in my breast. The fact that I've found the love of my life, and he stands beside me every second of this little life hiccup. There are so countless things to be thankful for. Still, I guess it's only human that I occasionally freak-out and worry. I will certainly benefit from learning how to better live in the moment, which is something I'm striving for.

Feeling Foggy

2009-01-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

I'm finally coming out of the chemo fog from my last Thursday's treatment. I can't believe I've already been doing chemo for 1.5 months, it seems like time has gone by really fast but has been generally meaningless. A lot of feeling under-par and not fully able to enjoy any free time I've had. There's been a lot of sleeping and a lot of watching The Wire. I'll start Taxol at my next treatment, and hopefully that will be easier on my body and constitution, I guess we'll see...

I've been putting off picking up Trigger's remains for a while, but today Miles and I finally went to bring what's left of her former vessel home. It made me very sad and happy at the same time. I can't believe it's been 3 weeks without her. What an awesome kitty cat she was -- the best.

Chemo #4 Done

2009-01-22T23:41:00.000-08:00

Yay, Chemo #4 is done! That was my last round of AC. Now after a two-week rest, it will be on to Taxol weekly for 12 weeks. Today's AC infusion went much better than the last. They gave me Benadryl, Ativan and Tylenol before they even started my drugs... and that mostly just knocked me out. No allergic reaction, no immediate nausea. I am so thankful. Then I came home and slept for 5 hours right away.

Lately the worst for me has been shortness of breath that constantly comes and goes. Sometimes it's so bad that I start to panic because I can't breathe, and sometimes when it's particularly bad at night I can't sleep until I've downed a bunch of liquid mentholated cold medicine. My onc was not very helpful today in talking about it, and instead just referred me to see a lung specialist to make sure my lungs are functioning normally. Hopefully everything is okay. My clinical trial guy thinks it might be a side effect of Avastin, if it turns out I'm on it. All I hope is that the lung problems go away as soon as chemo is done.

My dad was here for a couple of days, that was really awesome. Then he and my mom drove back to Texas. It is weird not having my mom in town, she was such a vital part of "my team," but now that things are in sort of a groove & we're not out in the unknown anymore, it's alright.

It's been 2.5 weeks since Trigger. It's getting easier, but not a day goes by that I don't think about her. When I come home and walk through the dark hallway, I almost miss having to look for stray poops to avoid, and it makes me sad. I hope wherever she is, she knows I miss and love her dearly. I think she does...

No Title

2009-01-16T16:00:00.000-08:00

Chemo #3 has been the worst so far. It's 8 days later, and I'm still completely fatigued. I had whole body aches from the Neulasta for a couple days, and I think the Neulasta is also causing shortness of breath which always seems to get worse at night. I'm also having a bad bout of insomnia, which obviously doesn't help with the fatigue. Overall I just feel pretty crappy and useless, and I've had instances of "chemo brain" as well. I'm looking forward to next Thursday being my 4th and last round of AC.

Last night I dreamed about Trigger for the first time. She came walking towards me and I noticed that her eyes were all messed up -- they looked cloudy, with cataracts, and bloody. I started freaking out, and then saw that one of her front paws was bloody and limping. Then I suddenly remembered that Trigger was dead and realized it was just a dream. But I stayed in the dream, and her eyes and paw were then fine. And I hugged and kissed and petted and loved her, and spent some time with Trigger, and told her how much I missed her. It was really nice.

Chemo #3 Done

2009-01-09T17:44:00.001-08:00

As much as I want to keep my 100 Trigger Things at the top of my blog, I guess I should keep blogging about cancer stuff since that's what I started for. Day by day it's getting a tiny bit easier without Trigger, but I continue to miss her so much. I love reading over the 100+ things I wrote, I love remembering all the little things that I'm afraid of forgetting...

Yesterday I had Chemo Round #3. The actual infusion went the worst of them all so far. I got the weird ocular migraine from the Decadron, and it lasted about 15 minutes. It kind of looks like this, only more sparkly and shimmering:

Then I got my Avastin (or placebo). Then came the Cytoxan, which gave me a really gnarly sinus headache. Last came my Adriamycin push. About halfway through I started feeling super nauseous, and the nurse also suddenly stopped pushing because she noticed some red spots appearing on my forehead. She said she'd only ever seen an allergic reaction to Adriamycin once before, so she was a little worried. She stopped and gave me a Benadryl and Lorazepam. Those helped my allergic reactions, but not the nauseousness. After about 30 minutes of feeling like barfing, it finally subsided a little, so she finished off the rest of the drug. I finally went home, ate some food, and went to bed for 18 hours.

Oh, and my pleurisy finally, finally went away on it's own. My oncologist thinks it may have happened as a bad reaction to Neulasta, which is a drug I inject myself with the day after chemo that is supposed to boost my white blood cells. I am about to give myself this round's Neulasta injection in about 5 minutes. I'm nervous that it will cause the pleurisy again, but here goes, I guess...

100 Things I Love About Trigger

2009-01-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of awesome memories and things I will miss about Trigger:

1. Our awesome cuddle and talking session the night before she passed.
2. How comfortable and content she seemed as she passed.
3. How she pawed at her food bowl to get a piece of food to flip into her water bowl.
4. How she sat in front of her water bowl for an hour alternately staring at and licking at the piece of food she managed to put in it.
5. How she flopped in front of heater until she got too hot, then walked over to the middle of the living room and flopped down with her paws stretched out.
6. How she laid against my chest long-ways so I could scratch her belly.
7. How eager and anticipatory she stepped around as I got into bed, waiting for me to settle down so she could climb on my chest.
8. How she climbed up and laid on my chest facing me within seconds of me laying down for bed.
9. How she barked for food.
10. How she barked back at me everytime I blew on the top of her head.
11. How she cringed everytime my mom said "bad girl" to her.
12. How she head-butted my face when I was giving her pets.
13. How her belly swung back and forth when she ran to me back in her heavy days.
14. How she started purring if her eyes locked in with mine.
15. How she hesitated at the edge of the bathroom because she knew the linoleum would be cold on her paws, but would come in anyways to hang out with me.
16. How grumpy she was to all the vet assistants, yet they loved her anyways.
17. How she curled up in a ball in deep sleep and covered her eyes with her paws.
18. How she tolerated Dumbjoseph's company.
19. How she was always the dominant one everytime Nutsy or Dumbjoseph picked a fight with her.
20. How she always stole the fabric softener sheet when I came home with clean laundry.
21. How she always laid on top of the clean clothes after I took the fabric softener away from her.
22. How she always wanted pets but never demanded them.
23. How she ran into the bedroom in the middle of the night with the aluminum ball in her mouth meowing out of control, then hopped up on the bed for congratulatory pets.
24. How she loved to drink water from the bathroom sink.
25. How she sat on the bathroom sink while I brushed my teeth even though she hated the smell of toothpaste.
26. How she closed her eyes and cringed when I pet her head while brushing my teeth, but would endure it because she wanted pets.
27. How she let me rest my head on her belly to listen to her purrs.
28. How she flipped over dramatically during head pets in order to get her belly rubbed.
29. How she always came to me when I was feeling bad because she could tell.
30. How she took back the recliner as "her spot" after a year of letting Dumbjoseph have it.
31. How she came running from anywhere in the house when she heard me tapping the top of the cat food can.
32. How she head-butted my face when I was giving her pets. (This one deserved a 2nd mention.)
33. How she lifted her head to greet my mouth when I leaned down to kiss her.
34. How she always spit out the water we tried to give her during medicine time.
35. How she buried her head in my arm every time we were at the vet (except the last time).
36. How she greeted me at the door when I came home.
37. How she and Nutsy would have lick sessions that always ended in a fight.
38. How she growled at Dumbjoseph every time he tried to straddle her.
39. How she peered over the side of the bathtub to say hello when I was taking a bath.
40. How she sat on the toilet or the sink during my showers.
41. How she sat patiently on the floor by the bed waiting for me to wake up and feed her.
42. How she liked it when I pet her in "basketball head" style.
43. How she was curious about what was outside the front door, but never tried to venture out because she knew she wasn't supposed to.
44. How sometimes when she brought the aluminum foil ball, she would fetch five times in a row til she got tired and flopped down.
45. How she liked being patted (not petted) hard on the butt.
46. How she stuck her butt up in the air for more pats or pets.
47. How quickly she welcomed Miles as her other beloved human.
48. How she loved all kinds of orange junk food (Doritos, Cheetos, etc.)
49. How she loved fronch fries.
50. How brazen she became in her grandma years about stealing fronch fries from my plate.
51. How I heard her purr particularly louder when I spoke lovingly to her.
52. How she patiently let me take her IV bandages off her paw (even though I saw her nip at one of the nurses who tried).
53. How she looks like a turkey in the lion-cut picture I have of her.
54. How she always managed to find the patch of sunshine on the floor.
55. How I always knew what her multitude of meows meant.
56. How she was the sweetest creature I will ever know.
57. How her second favorite spot was the nook of my lap, with both of her paws stretched out over it.
58. How she had this habit of looking down and away when I wanted to take a photo of her.
59. How dirty her butt got in her heavy days when she couldn't reach it to clean it.
60. How clean her butt got in her later days when she could reach it again.
61. How good of a mother she would have been if given the chance.
62. How she was a "rare" female all-orange tabby.
63. How she loved the plush brown blanket, and liked it when I wrapped it around her.
64. How she stepped tentatively on the bathroom sink when there were puddles of water.
65. How she was never the snuggler with Nutsy or Dumbjoseph, but always the happy snugglee.
66. How she used to lay so cute with her paws stretched out underneath my radiator in the studio apartment.
67. How much she loved getting combed with the flea comb.
68. How she always came to see mama when I called her.
69. How for a long time she calmly came to get her subQ injections like she knew it was helping her.
70. How she squinted her sleepy eyes, but still tried to look up at us when we came in the back door and turned on the light when she'd been sleeping on the bed.
71. How she had some white whiskers and some black whiskers.
72. How soft her fur got when she was hydrated after giving her subQ fluids.
73. How some of her little kitty nipples had dark spots on them.
74. How big and expressive her beautiful eyes were.
75. How as she got older she got dark pigment spots on her gums.
76. How she mysteriously broke her tail but somehow retained movement in it without pain.
77. How she loved it when I scratched her chest.
78. How I could get her to flip over and give me her belly when I started scratching underneath her.
79. The little orange stripes on her forehead.
80. How she weighed a whopping 17 pounds at her heaviest, and how sad it was when she was down to 6 pounds at her sickest.
81. How she ran away in fear if I picked up a chair to move it.
82. How she taught Dumbjoseph to speak.
83. How before she passed on, she told Dumbjoseph he needed to be more of a lapcat.
84. How cute but sad her two little shaved IV paws were towards the end.
85. How she couldn't quite get her bearings inside the cat carrier when the cone was on her head.
86. How excited she was to see my mom and I when we visited her in the incubator the first time she got sick and stayed overnight.
87. How much she loved Miles and I with all her little girl heart.
88. How I had to request the groomers to "panty shave" her behind when she was heavy.
89. How disapproving of Dumbjoseph she was to start, which eventually turned into a grumpy grandma tolerance of a boisterous teenager.
90. How I could hear her purring from far away sometimes.
91. How she and her sister started as kittens in a country home in Texas before I brought them home.
92. How kitty-drunk she was on sedatives their first night in California after flying from Texas.
93. How she nommed my finger sometimes when Miles gave her intense butt scratches.
94. How she nommed and made weird chewing sounds for no reason sometimes, while staring off into space.
95. How she loved shoes, especially brand new ones or really dirty ones.
96. How she trusted me 100% of the time.
97. How cute she looked when she closed her eyes and looked so content when I scratched under her chin.
98. How she loved getting scratched under her paws where she couldn't reach.
99. How the tips of her ears got rough and scratchy as she got older.
99a. How she rubbed her cheeks on the edge of small fry laptop.
99b. How she loved laying on remote controls and cellphones.
99c. How she lazily chomped at a dangling piece of string without lifting a paw.
99d. How much she loved chicken flavor baby food when she was sick.
99e. How she loved curling up on the couch in the free spot between me and Miles.
99f. How she used to always get excited when I crumpled up a new foil ball before it became Dumbjoseph's thing.
99g. How she passed on to Dumbjoseph that he should hang out in the bathroom during my shower.
99h. How she let Nutsy drape her limbs over her during cuddle time.
99i. How much she meant to Nutsy because I can tell Nutsy is looking for her and sad now.
99j. How eagerly and ruthlessly she nommed up all the kitty treats.
99k. How sometimes she just sat in front of my face while I played poker on desktop, not in the way or anything, just sat there while I absent-mindedly nuzzled her.
99l. How she and Nutsy had an anxiety-laden meow exchange when I was giving Trigger her last bath.
99m. The intense feeling of her nuzzling my hand while I was meditating that one time.
100. How she was the awesomest, most gentle, sweetest, most understanding, cutest, and most darling kitty I will ever know. No kitty could ever replace her, and I will remember Trigger forever.

My Bond With Trigger

2009-01-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

I have a special bond with Trigger that I don't necessarily have with my other cats. Sometimes we just laid and stared at each other, communicating warmth just between our eyes. It may sound dumb to some people, but I always knew that I knew her in a deeper way, like she was an ancient friend that I'd known for longer than her time.

The last month of her life she fought so hard to stay alive. Her red blood cell count was repeatedly down to 5%, when the vets were telling us that as low as 10% was "incompatible with life." Her energy level that last month was probably only at 50%, so her quality of life was probably only at half. She didn't move around much and spent most of her time laying on the couch or the bed with us, sleeping or purring. But she didn't run around, she didn't play with Dumbjoseph, she didn't run into the bedroom in the middle of the night with her aluminum foil ball in her mouth meowing like crazy, and she didn't jump up to the sink to hang out with me when I brushed my teeth.

The night before her passing, she was laying comfy on her favorite blanket on the couch and was really responsive to me for the first time in a while. I laid down with her and we talked for twenty minutes. It was such a meaningful bit of time and I will cherish it forever. I spoke to her and she spoke back to me with her eyes. I told her how much I loved her and told her I knew how hard she's been fighting to stay alive. I told her I wished she could stay with me forever, and that I knew she wished she could too. But I also told her I knew she was tired, and that she didn't have to stick around for me if she was tired of fighting. I told her that if her body could no longer go on, that I understood and wouldn't love her any less and instead would love her forever no matter what. We really bonded that night, and I will never forget it. I am so thankful we got to share that time together. I covered her with her favorite blanket and left her purring on the couch that night.

The next morning I woke up to find her a complete mess. She had puked and peed on the couch, and pooped on the floor and there was blood in it. She was dirty and curled up on the floor -- motionless and completely unresponsive. That was the first time she'd ever gotten sick on the couch, always before she'd had the strength to jump down to the floor first. I knew this time was bad. I believe in my heart that she & I understood each other the night before, and this next day she was telling me it was time to go.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But in the end, I don't think it could have been any more perfect or beautiful. When it happened, we didn't feel any fear or tension from her. Instead, she purred right up to the last second, and died with her head cradled in my hand. I couldn't have asked for anything more than to make her feel comfortable and loved during that instant. I miss her so much, and I'm sure she misses me. But I believe that our bond remains, and that I'll always be connected to her energy.

I Love You, Trigger...

2009-01-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

Today Miles and I had to say goodbye to the kitty cat love of my life, Trigger. I've had her since she was a kitten in 1996. She spent her last moments laying across both of our laps, purring. As she passed, she had her head laying cradled in my hand, and through our loving pets she showed no fear or nervousness. It was all I could have hoped for for her.

I already miss her so much. Here is a photo tribute to her:

I love you so much, little girl. I will always remember you. Goodbye, sweetheart Trigger.

Pleurisy

2009-01-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! An unexpected gift I received this year was pleurisy! An infection of the membrane surrounding my lungs, alright, just what I wanted! At least now I know what this shooting pain in my shoulder/neck is. The question now is how do I get rid of it?! My surgeon and oncologist have been trying to figure out what the underlying cause is. I've had a chest x-ray and a CT-angiogram. The chest x-ray looked normal, which ruled out any lung puncture or pneumonia (maybe?). I'm still waiting to hear back about the angiogram, but I'm hoping that no news is good news for any blood clots in my lungs. At this point I don't really care what is causing it, I just want it to stop. Unfortunately, treating it is a matter of treating the underlying cause, so I am still back to square one...

My hair is done falling out for now, and it's finally uniform. There are some hanger-ons all over, so now I look like a fuzzy elephant more than a serious cancer patient. I happily discovered most of my underarm hair is gone.

Blah

2008-12-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

I think my port is failing. I have increasing shortness of breath, and every time I breathe deeply, cough or sneeze I have a sharp burst of pain in my shoulder blade and neck. I'm worried. The good news is that I have a follow-up appt with my surgeon tomorrow.

The other bad news is that I'm worried that Trigger is failing at getting better.

The other news is that most of my hair has fallen out. But not all of it. So my hair is patchy and I look like a serious cancer patient right now. Hurry up and finish falling out already, plskthx.

At least Dumbjoseph still likes to sit on my lap.

Chemo #2 + Hair Coming Out

2008-12-24T23:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was chemo round #2, and it wasn't so bad except it was a 6-hour process. Miles and I arrived & I had my CBC done, which I thought they'd do through my new port. Instead they just pricked my finger, squeezed a bit of blood into a tube, then the tube went in the machine and it spit out my CBC report in minutes. Pretty cool stuff.

Then we met with my oncologist, and then had to wait 2 hours for my actual infusion. Since the onc's office was closed Thu/Fri for Christmas, the office was overflowing with patients, it was insane! I finally got my chair around 2 pm. I got my saline flush, my Aloxi/Decadron drip, my Avastin/placebo drip, the Adriamycin push, and lastly the Cytoxan drip. It took about 2.5 hours. There was a really nice older man to my left that we talked to for a while. To my right was a cute old lady who snored through her chemo session.

We came home and I was fine for a while, and then I crashed around 9 pm and slept til midnight. Then I woke up for a couple hours, then slept another 10 hours. Sleep, sleep, sleep. That's all I want to do the first few days after chemo.

Today was Christmas Eve and my mom cooked yummy turkey dinner. My brother and Miles' Dad came over for dinner. After dinner came our Christmas surprise -- suddenly my hair was coming out! Each time I ran my hand through my mohawk I came back with about 10 hairs in my palm. So my mom shaved my head, and I spent all evening running a lint roller over my head picking up little bits.

I am pleasantly surprised with the shape of my head. :)

This post is for Jane

2008-12-19T23:57:00.000-08:00

On TV today they talked about the Chicago O'Hare Airport, and hearing it out loud made me realize for the first time how LOL-worthy it is. That's all!

Port-A-Cath

2008-12-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

Joseph has sat in my lap maybe three times in his whole 2.5 years of existence. Right now he's been hanging out for 20 minutes already:

He must know that I had my port insertion surgery this morning. It went well. I got to see Dr. Richards-Awesome. I barfed a lot when I got home, but I think that's because they gave me Vicodin on an empty stomach. I'm still on Vicodin right now, and there's no pain, but we'll see once I stop the pain pills. That's all I'm going to type because my shoulder is sore. Ok bai.