New Life Begins

That's what I wrote in my pocket calendar for today. Today's the first day of waking up in Guerneville without having to return to SF at all. It's 9:30 a.m. and I'm watching the rain come down against a backdrop of tall redwoods. As Fred said, life is a mystery.

A Tree Grows In Guerneville

E -ager to be free with arbortory smiles

A -nd soon you'll have your tree just you & your hubby Miles

R -ealizing its like a Wes Anderson flick with a plot that you'd conceive

L -anguishing around Russian River with rednecks and homosexual guys and watch the fall of Earl's leaves

I Miss You, Trigger

Today is the first anniversary of my beloved girl's passing. I miss her dearly and think about her constantly. Soon I will get to see her everyday together with Earl. :)

My Trigger Baby

Last night I dreamed I gave birth to Trigger! I was in a hospital room and was having a baby. They told me to push and I was afraid it was going to hurt, but it didn't and also didn't take very long. Next thing I knew I delivered the (human) baby, and they handed it to me. I held it for a while but then was so tired from delivery that I handed it to Miles. Then it was suddenly Trigger and she jumped from his arms onto the floor and ran over to her food bowl. She started eating voraciously, and I thought "She's just a baby, she can't eat regular food!" so I fixed her a bowl of bran cereal with soy milk. She ate a little bit and stopped, so then I hand-fed her soggy bran flakes. It was nice to see her!

Beer Mouth

I am lonely. LOML has been gone since Saturday on tour, and won't be back for a couple days still. I'm counting the days! At least Nutsy is on my pillow and Dumb Joe is on my other side. Nutsy, I love you so much little girl! You've gained so much weight lately and it's such a good thing! And when I say "little girl," I don't mean like Trigger "little girl," but a different "little girl" reserved all for you, my little grandma. You're going to live for another 10 years, I just know it!

The cancer experience has been a lot of things. It's taught me a lot. It's made me very sad and very happy. Cancer has been sobering. Cancer has been enlightening. Cancer has brought me and Miles closer in ways I never could have dreamed of. Yet at the same time cancer has been a lonely experience. (No offense to Miles, I know he knows that I'm not talking relative to the two of us.) Tonight I had the opportunity to vent some disappointment to one of a few people I thought might have been interested in my well-beings over the last year (but wasn't). It didn't go well. I'm that much happier that I've moved on from earlier parts of my life. Perhaps people in my peer group are too young or scared to be confronted with a life-threatening disease that isn't theirs. Perhaps they're too preoccupied with their own ups and downs. Perhaps they don't know what to say so they don't say anything. Or perhaps they just don't care. In any event, I AM very grateful for the few friends of mine who do care - I love you so much, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and being supportive.

Blah blah blah blah, I feel like I'm pooping from the mouth. Who cares?! Maybe it's the 64 oz of beer talking...

BEJEWELED BLITZ IS CURRENTLY OFFLINE

I love the smell of wood-burning stove. I also love sleeping with a big old retriever taking up 2/3 of my bed (with her butt right in my face). I love how Joseph protects me at night. I don't love the reason behind the protective urge. I love life. I love the way things are working out. I love how Nutsy's gaining weight. I love shopping for cool stuff and ending up below budget.

Here are a couple random PHOTOS. This is me and Dan back in August in Texas - we swapped haircuts for a day:


This is my 3-pronged alien port. It's gone now, and all that's left behind is the scar and some lumpy scar tissue. I kind of preferred the symmetrical 3-prong guy, but I guess I'm glad he's gone:

A Brief Return to Illness

I had a brief return to the land of the sick this week. I took an antibiotic (Bactrim) on Monday and within hours had an epiphany about what caused my ER trip back in July. I'm allergic to Sulfa drugs. I spent all Monday night, Tuesday and Wednesday in bed -- I couldn't stand because of constant muscle cramps in my calves. I am better now, and know better now!

I'm listening to the new Will Johnson/Jason Molina record and it's pretty good.

Things are pretty awesome right now. Looking up in many ways. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my kitties, I love my life. I love Bejeweled Blitz (thanks, Janeball).

On Being A Cat

Miles just asked me if I would want to be a cat, and I wasn't sure. Miles asked me what the things were that I wouldn't like if I were Nutsy. And I said:

"Getting frustrated because sometimes my owners don't understand what I'm saying ...

and being left alone at home a long time sometimes ...

and losing my sister."

And then Miles pointed out that those were all my human fears in a nutshell, and that made me LOL a whole lot and then cry a little. And I wanted to write it all down so Miles told me to write it in my blog, so here it is.

Missed My 1-Year Diagnosis Anniversary!

October 6 was my 1-year diagnosis anniversary - it slipped by for a day or two before I realized! Yay, what a good sign of how I'm moving on from cancer! Things have been going pretty well. The stomach issues are 95% resolved, and I'm back to eating almost everything (NOM!). Really only what remains are hot flashes and fatigue. Oh, and my period has yet to come back, I hope my menopause is not permanent. The fatigue is really bad right now, especially since I'm back to work F/T. After I get home, I've been going to sleep sometimes at 10 pm, sometimes at 7 pm, etc. It should get better with time though...

Miles & I also had our 1st wedding anniversary! We went to Ruth Chris, which was obviously awesome!! I'm so fortunate to have an insanely wonderful husband, who's been attached to my hip before, throughout, and after this whole crazy cancer ordeal. He makes me stronger, and he makes me a better person. I love you so much, darling!!

Therapy has been eye-opening in a good way. I'm acknowledging anxiety and panic that I've had for years and have tried to ignore. I'm eager to learn ways to move forward and eliminate them from my life.

Nutsy and Joseph are doing well. They had their annual checkup recently. Joseph pooped in the carrier -- of course. But TWICE!! I gave him his annual bath, which was kind of fun. He gives up and lets me wash him without a fight. Then once he's dry, his fur is softer than ever! I miss Trigger so much, I can't believe it's been 9 months. Her passing has helped me realize that with grief... you do move on, and life does go on, and the more time passes the easier it is to remember all the good things without getting too sad. No need to cling to a suffering you can't change...

Coming Around

As I sit here multi-tabling these funny little superturbo pushfold 10bb tournies, I probably shouldn't be distracting myself with writing this blog post or thinking about five gratitudes ... but, well, I am. :) Five gratitudes instantly come to mind.
I am...
1. grateful that my stomach is coming around.
2. grateful that my body is coming around.
3. grateful that my husband is the best. (Question: Which husband is the best husband?)
4. grateful that my dentist made me smile a lot today.
5. grateful my awesome parents are coming soon.

I started working full-time again this week. I had two cavities filled yesterday and my teeth cleaned today. I like how clean teeth feel after a good polishing. I made an appointment with a therapist next week. I've never done therapy, so that should be interesting. I watched the stairs door shut behind me when I left work today instead of rushing out. I remembered to breathe when I started to get irritated today, and my annoyance melted away. I am liking mindful Teresa. Or rather, I should say - there is a happiness.