Thanatophobia

Things are going okay. Miles and I had a nice Thanksgiving. I wish I could have seen my parents, but short of that we had a great time with my brother and other awesome family. And Charlie had a great time too! Work has been less stressful lately. I'm glad. I'm seeing a psychotherapist. He thinks my extreme anxiety is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. I've heard about PTSD in cancer survivors before, so that sounds reasonable. Overall though, my anxiety has been lessening. I need to take a trip...

And Fall To Little Pieces Every Time

Weezer Across The Sea Live in Japan in HD is awesome. So is the bliss on Dougie's face when he gets to snuggle with me and Charlie at the same time. Miles and I are hoping to visit Japan within the next year.

Introducting Charlie Blog

I've started a second blog:

Charlie Our Golden Retriever Dog That We Love So Much And He Is Cool!

It's a little rough around the edges formatting-wise, but I am working on it!

Help

I am freaking out so badly and not sure what to do. I am freaking out this second, but even worse, I am freaking out in general all the time at least a little. I am so scared of cancer coming back. I have some minor aches and pains and twinges here and there. Yet, I have no serious indication and all statistics point to me being okay for the duration of a long life. Still, I can't shake the insane, gut-wrenching fear. The last few months I've been anxious and then more anxious. But more recently my anxiety has been elevating to panic. I don't know how to not be terrified.

Pink Clouds & Fog

Charlie is losing his manhood today - probably just as I write this. I almost hit a mouse driving home the other night. I met with a psychiatrist the other day - he seemed nice & I cried. Miles and I celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary with steak dinner TWO times - Stark's has the best pre-dinner bread I have ever tasted. Miles caught Douglas snuggling with Charlie again, this time on Charlie's new giant plush dogbed. Something's wrong with Nutsy's mouth again so we're trying out the Forestville vet. Joseph is a "downstairs cat."

Happy Birthday Darling Boy!!!

Today Charlie is six months old!!! Today he also played in the pouring rain for the first time & loved it!

Car vs. Deer

According to the Press Democrat, it's "Car vs. Deer" season. Last night heading home on River Road we saw an injured deer on the side of the road trying to stand up. It looked like it had just been hit, and there was a suspect car with its hazards on 500 feet ahead. We called 911 and gave the location of the deer and made sure to tell them it was still alive - they took down the info and said thanks. This morning on my way to work, there it was - dead. The time for it to manifest had passed. I tried not to, but I still suffered.

My Darling Smartypants

Charlie has a new trick called "clean up." I tell him to go get his scattered toys one-by-one and he grabs them and drops them back into his toybox. And when he misses the toybox in his haste and it falls outside, he picks it up again and deliberately places it inside. He learned the trick in <10 minutes. He is so smart!!!!! Not surprised!

Tick Tock

Yesterday was two years to the date of that super scary phone call - one of the top worst days of my life - a worst day that led to the best decisions of my life. Last year October 6 came and went without me noticing. This year I was not so oblivious, but I accept that. This two-year anniversary is just a reminder that the other special two-year anniversary is right around the corner!

DITD (down in the dumps - not to be confused with DITB)

Back to the grind. At least I have a visit from my parents to look forward to. Still, I'm feeling melancholy & not exactly sure why. It could be due to hormonal imbalances. I've been especially imbalanced since my period came back nine months ago. Though I feel mostly back to myself physically, the messed-up hormones plus my fatigue plus my arthritic hands are everyday reminders of what I've been through and how different my body is now.

Let me reflect more on Saturday, and maybe that'll put a smile on my face?

First off, Miles and I went to the Will and Anders house show in SF last Wednesday. It was at a Mission loft and the hosts were a very nice young couple. At one point the guy noticed from across the room that Miles didn't have a bottle opener for his beer, and he came over to offer assistance - we're talking that sort of nice. There were about 30 people and it was very cozy. Anders played first and it sounded amazing. I wasn't very familiar with him but his songs and voice were instantly memorable. He played a song called Don't Let the Darkness In about his dog that he said he'd just finished while up in Portland - it's so good it's still stuck in my head. Will played second, and what can I say other than it was the very best? I would've been extremely pleased if the SF house show was all there was. But... then we hosted our very own house show!

So on Saturday we weren't expecting them to show up til later since they had such a long drive up to Guerneville. But the doorbell rang around 5:30 and I saw the top of tall Anders' head through the glass! They took powernaps while dinner cooked. Then my long lost fellow Marooned friend Sarah and her BF Cameron arrived. It was like a day hadn't passed between us! I made bbq pulled pork sandwiches, garlic mashies and salad. We were well-stocked on booze: fridge full of Budweisers, Blue Moons, Pliny the Elder, Blind Pig and champagne; and pantry full of whiskey, wine, and many half-full liquor bottles. We ate and drank and joked around. Will was impressed with Miles' childhood baseball photo signed by Ozzie Smith. He also joked that he told his fiancee that the fam was moving to Guerneville! Sarah and I demonstrated that our patented synchronized swoon hadn't lost a beat in twelve years. Guests eventually arrived - and when I say "guests" I mean all of seven other people - 8 of 11 paid tickets were no-shows! So there were a total of 13 people, including Anders and Will. Can you imagine your favorite dude playing in your own living room to such a tiny crowd?! I can now!!! Anders played first. I recognized many songs already just from SF - and he sounded so amazing. I was stoked to hear Don't Let the Darkness In again. I'm now quickly fixing the fact that I don't know his material. He was so at ease playing and talking between songs - "So how's everyone doing?" was kind of a joke since everyone had already been talking to everyone else. Then Will played. It was the very very best. Kind of like how ginger boy cats are "the very very best." A couple songs in, he asked if anyone had any questions and Miles said "I have a question - can you play something off Redo the Stacks? We sort of got married to that record." And he obliged with Rock n Roll Eyes!! Later a dude asked for something from Carlton Chronicles, and Will played I Feel Too Young To Die. He sort of forgot bits of the song and it was really cute watching him try to sort it out in his head. He played the following: Almost Let You In (a fave), Triggers & Trash Heaps, Rock N Roll Eyes (swoon), Take The Maps, Atlanta (all-time fave), Alabama Crusade, Kept On The Sly, Philo Manitoba, I Feel Too Young To Die, a song about Bastrop and inflatable pools and devils crossing the state line, and a couple others. Then everyone wanted more and Miles asked if Will & Anders ever played together - and so they did! Anders sang the first song with Will doing harmonies. And then they played Just To Know What You've Been Dreaming, and it sounded awesome with Anders' backing vocals and guitar bridge! So good!!! BTW, Charlie was so good with everyone & he was a huge hit! He went from person to person for pets for a while and then just laid down in the middle of the room! Joseph made himself scarce all night, of course. Nutsy - poor painkiller-ed Nutsy who had 8 teeth pulled the day before - was around but not very social. Douglas was present but hesitant. During a song, Doug ran out to the middle and then spazzed, twitched, and ran full speed out of the room! One by one our guests departed. Sarah and Cameron left earlier than I hoped for, but they had far to drive in the morning. Miles, Will and I talked til late in the kitchen about baseball, facebook, children, touring, the Green Bay Packers and other things. It's awesome watching Miles talk to a fellow die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan - he gets so adorably animated. In the morning I made breakfast for the dudes - B&LG, little sausages, eggs, and hash browns that wouldn't brown. I wasn't very pleased, but both dudes cleaned their plates. So it was either passable, or they're just very polite. Which they are... so wdk. We bid them adieu and they got on the road to Reno, but not until the Japanese tourist side of me asked for Polaroids. Miles and I basked in the joy of the weekend the rest of Sunday & cuddled with our animals. Even Charlie was pooped from all the excitement and he flopped on the floor all day long.