Ready to Relax Time Pls

Treatment is done (yay!) and I've been off work for 2 weeks (yay!). But alas, I haven't started relaxing yet. :( For 18 days straight now, every time I eat solid food I have severe abdominal pain for hours. My diet has been reduced to the following items that don't hurt me: soup, fruit smoothies, yogurt, raisin bran and milk, and plain rice. Consequently, I've lost 10 pounds. Though I've been wanting to lose a little weight, I'm not happy it happened this way with the forced diet.

My oncologist tested my blood and I had an abdominal ultrasound, and everything came back normal (whew!). He put me on Prilosec and said it could take 7 days to work, and then pretty much washed his hands of it. 7 days of torture later I saw my GP. She was very kind and understanding, but couldn't really help me and referred me to see a Gastroenterologist. Then came the sucky part where I called a bunch of docs and no one could see me sooner than 2-5 weeks from now. I cried in the middle of the night because I was in pain for the umpteenth time and was so frustrated that no one was taking it seriously enough to want to help me NOW. Luckily, this morning one of the docs called back and squeezed me in for Monday afternoon. I'm so ready to be fixed. I haven't been able to live my normal life! Other than short walks, I haven't left the house for fear of being away from my heating pad and bed if the pain starts. I haven't been able to enjoy a nice outdoor weekday lunch. And though this time off work is for "recovery," I certainly don't feel like that has started yet.

Ok, I'll stop complaining now.

Despite the downer pain... not having to think about work has been amazing. Miles and I have been going on short walks to help with my energy. Our favorite thing is to walk to get a Jamber and drink it in Duboce Dog Park watching all the dudes! Yesterday I saw the most beautiful youngish golden with the silkiest flowy hair. No bulldog, basset or G-Dane sightings yet though. I am hopeful...

Many Celebrations

Happy birthday to me, happy last day of treatment, and happy 6 weeks off work to recover!!!!

My hair and eyebrows are on the mend!

Close to the End

I only have 8 rads left and then treatment is done. This is a good thing. There are some downsides though. I'm worried that when I'm done, work has this expectation that I'm ready to TCB. But in fact, for the 8 months of treatment I've had I'll probably need 8 months to really recover. I'm so tired all the time and achey everywhere and always in some kind of pain or distress. Also, without treatment to distract me, now comes the time to deal with everything on a mental and emotional level. I have felt really wrecked lately. I'm scared to death that I'll recur with mets and life will be cut short. Some days I don't acknowledge that fear, but it doesn't mean it's not there. I guess it's gonna take some time. But how can one not worry when the doc says your aggressive cancer is likely to recur in the first 5 years if it's gonna happen, or when the doc says to wait at least 2 years to have kids in case you do recur? I sure am looking forward to that carefree feeling again someday...

In good news, my eyebrows are growing back. It was not a big deal without them because I'm not particularly vain... but man, seeing them again makes me realize how weird I looked and I'm happy to have them back.

On The Last Leg...

I started radiation treatment last week. Today was 7 of 19 treatments. I go in five days a week for a month. It sounds like a lot to get up and go everyday, but it's really not that bad. It's weird to think about getting that much radiation to my body, even if it's just localized to one area... but I've mostly gotten past the weirdness.

So I go in and lay in a mold created for my upper torso. These green laser lights shine on my body like crosshairs, and the techs push and pull me to line the machine up with the two tiny tattoos on my chest. When it's perfect, they leave the room and talk to me through speakers. A screen in front of me shows my breathing patterns in the form of a wave, and when they tell me to I take a deep breath and hold it between two lines on the screen. That's when the magic happens, and it lasts 10-20 seconds each time. I get one zap from the right and two from the left. It's totally painless, but I'll get some skin irritation soon, like a super intense sunburn.

The first couple days of radiation really bummed me out just like the start of chemo did. Being in a new place getting normally toxic stuff done to my body that I don't totally understand, ugh. Looking around and seeing that I'm surrounded by people over twice my age, ugh. It feels like the other patients look at me like I'm out of place ... but maybe I'm just projecting? I feel I've mostly upbeat so far, with only a few "bad days" throughout this ordeal. I tend to feel like I'm selfish by feeling sorry for myself and wondering "Why me?" I try to remind myself that I have so many things to be grateful for. But sometimes it's really really hard to stay positive. I think I'm allowed those days. But still it kind of makes me feel bad in a different way like I'm being really ungrateful for the great things I do have. So maybe what I'm trying to say is ... maybe I haven't been honest with myself about how hard this has been to come to terms with??

I Miss Cat Party

I miss Cat Party terribly...

Chemo is Finished!

I'm finally done with chemo!!!!! My last treatment was on April 23. Here I am celebrating the last 15 minutes of my last infusion:


After my last chemo I still felt pretty awful for a week, had my weekly migraine, etc. Miles and I managed to get away for a one-night mini-celebration in the woods. We had an awesome time! We drank rootbeer and orange soda floats in the jacuzzi bathtub, with a fire going. We ate steaks at the Buckeye, where our waitress asked us "gentleman" if we were ready to order, LOL. We took lots of PHOTOS for our polaroid memoirs album. We enjoyed lots of rejuvenating fresh air, sunshine, and trees. This is one of my favorite photos from the mini-trip, and this might now be my favorite spot in the Bay Area now:


So wowow, I am finally done with chemotherapy! Four and a half months! What a great feeling! My gross, ouchy rash is still hanging on, but getting slowly better. All of my fingernails are still red and purple and yellow, but they'll eventually get better. My head still looks like either a baby elephant, really old man, or Linus, but I'll have hair again soon. My energy level is still at 50%, but I'm hoping someday I'll be 100% again. Chemo was hard, but I'm happy I did it.

I now only have 1/3 left of my treatment plan. The last step is radiation, which starts in two weeks. I'll go in Monday thru Friday for four weeks, for a daily zap of radiation to my left breast. I've already done my planning appointment. They made a mold of my body so that I stay perfectly still each time. They also tattooed two tiny dots on my breast so they know precisely where to point the x-rays. My radiation oncologist is pretty great, we like him very much. I was nervous about radiation and was worried about long-term effects of that much radiation to my body... and he really sat down with us, took his time, and made us feel very comfortable with everything.

My parents were just here for three days, and it was great! I wish we weren't so far away from each other. Though three days went by quickly, we made the best of it. We adventured in Marin and Sonoma, and drove a backroad through redwoods and fog where we were the only people on earth. We had a three-way celebration at Outback in honor of end of chemo, my Dad's birthday, and Mother's Day. I forgive Outback for not having potato soup. We played lots of Liverpool Rummy. I love my parents so much, I'm so thankful to have such amazing and kind and loving parents!

So my treatment will be finally finished mid-June just in time for my 29th birthday. Then what? Then things go back to "normal"? To some extent, I suppose. I'm scared of a few particular things happening post-treatment. First, I'm nervous that since I won't be seeing doctors every week, I'll be constantly worried about the cancer coming back. I feel like I might worry incessantly about every little bump or pain or ache in my body. To overcome this, I feel like I need to become more in tune with my body to learn what warrants worry and what doesn't. But, in absence of any bumps, pains or aches, I'm nervous that I'll still worry myself sick with the "what if"s of a future recurrence or metastasis. To overcome that, I'll just need to try to be more mindful of the present, rather than worry about the future. I don't think that's impossible, just difficult. The last big thing I'm worried about is I'm afraid of settling back into pre-cancer "normal" life. I honestly don't want that back. Well, one thing I've lost is my feeling of carefree-ness. I would like to have that back, and I think the way to do it is through mindfulness. But that's not what I'm talking about. Cancer has changed me a lot. It's made me better at prioritizing life and the things in it. It's helped me not sweat the small stuff and has helped me to de-stress my life a lot ... stuff like traffic, petty work issues, inconsiderate people, paying for expensive haircuts, silly disagreements or arguments with Miles ... it's easy to avoid getting wrapped up in those things now and focus on more important stuff. I also see that work doesn't have to be "just work," and I'm interested in finding something I'm passionate about, and making it happen. Cancer has affected me positively in that I see life with clear eyes, and I'm grateful for that. I'm worried that after active treatment, it could be easy to slip back into old ways and feelings, and I don't want that.

The Bad, The Worst and The Annoying

I was unblinded in the clinical trial last Thursday and found out that I have been getting the Avastin. I hope this is a good thing. We're happy I ended up on it because the decision to do the trial was so difficult... once we made it, it would have been a bummer to find out I was on the placebo. I recently read a study that indicated Avastin in early-stage cancer might actually contribute to metastasis. But that was just one study. And really, what's worrying about it now going to do? ... I've already gotten a full course of it.

I cannot WAIT for Taxol to be done. Most people say that Taxol is more manageable than Adriamycin/Cytoxan... but it's been the opposite for me. AC put me in a haze for a whole week, but mostly I was just tired and I slept a lot, and sleeping was easy. I was fortunate to not have much nausea. On the other hand, Taxol started being miserable after the first 4 weeks, and it's gotten worse each week. I cringe at the thought that I still have to go through two more cycles...

The Bad: I cannot sleep, I have not gotten a solid night's sleep in many weeks. Before this I had never had any sleep problems, and maybe that makes it more frustrating for me now. Mainly it's the hot flashes that wake me up every couple hours. My typical sleep goes: wake up at 4 am, wake up at 6:30 am, wake up at 7:30 am, wake up at 8:30 am, etc. What is it about 6 to 8 a.m. that causes so many hot flashes???

The Worst: A few Thursday Taxol treatments in, I started having predictable headaches starting Saturday night or Sunday. I think they're migraines. They last 48 to 72 hours, I'm mildly nauseous the whole time, Tylenol and Advil don't do anything, Vicodin makes me vomit, my whole body aches, I can't sleep well enough to sleep through them, and so I usually just spend a couple days writhing around in bed. I finally started feeling decent just hours ago from this week's, which was a really bad one. :(

The Annoying: I have an allergic rash on my hands, arm and face. Most of my fingernails are getting brown and dying underneath & they're really tender so I can't do simple things like open a sodacan. My pinkie toenails are tender, so it hurts to walk around in shoes. My fingertips are a little numb all the time. Most food tastes like cardboard. Unless it's really spicy, in which case it completely burns my tongue... but I endure it, because I'd rather have tasty and painful over not having an appetite at all because there's no flavor. I keep getting a lesion in the corner where my lips meet. Every time I blow my nose it comes out bloody. I get hot flashes when I'm awake too. My eyelashes are starting to grow back and they're stubble right now, so each time I close my eyes they poke the other eyelid and it's annoying.

I know I'm being a total downer right now. I can't wait til chemo is over. There is a woman I deal with at work who apparently thinks this is a vacation for me, and it upsets me. When I talk to her on Wednesdays, she says "You're so lucky! You get to have a 4 day weekend while the rest of us have to work a couple more days!" The first time she said it, I balked and exclaimed that it was NOT a vacation, and reminded her that I'm having poisons put in my body. She laughed and said she was just trying to be lighthearted by teasing me. So I let it slide. Then the following Wednesday she said the exact same thing!!! Ugh!!

Only two more treatments, hooray! Then I get to see my parents for a couple days, I cannot wait! :)

How Many Biopsies Will I Have In My Life?

Only 3 more left! Last week's treatment itself went okay. I had developed a weird and gross rash on my right hand. The nurses were concerned and made me see a doc to make sure it was okay to do treatment, which got me a little worried. The nurses and onc both thought it was shingles, and then the onc mentioned something about viral meningitis, which really got me nervous, etc etc. In the end, they went forward with the treatment. Afterwards I saw a dermatologist, who told me it definitely wasn't shingles, and said he wasn't that worried so that was good. But he wanted a skin biopsy to analyze what it was. Now, I've obviously been through worse pain, but it was kind of funny because all of the sudden my hand was getting poked, cut up and stitched. Also, though I logically knew it was for a different reason ... it was hard to hear "biopsy" and not immediately think "CANCER!" for a split second. In the meantime, the rash has gotten a little better with topical cream, whew.

I think I've also figured out that the headaches I get every Sun/Mon are migraines. Who knew? Last week's was the worst - I spent 3 days in bed and barfed each day.

Next treatment I get unblinded and find out if I've been getting Avastin or not. Not really sure what I'm hoping for...

Only Four Mour!

I finished Taxol #8 yesterday, only four more to go!! I can't believe I am so close to finishing chemotherapy, it's been a long time. I've been bald for 3 months already, wow. We finally got around to taking some chemo photos.

How many more hours left?!


Here is where the needle goes into the port in my chest:


This is the opposite of how chemo normally makes me feel:

Voted Best Couple

Oh yeah... one of my awesome chemo nurses (John) told me and Miles: "The yearbook committee met, and you guys were voted cutest couple!" And a couple weeks prior a different awesome nurse pointed out this cute elderly couple who mentioned that they loved seeing the two of us together. Both very nice compliments that made me smile. :) I have blessed with a lucky and wonderful life!