WE ARE THE LUCKIEST!!

Tonight I had the most awesome massage locally. The massage was incredibly grounding (I know... royg...), and she was kind and insightful. She went thirty minutes past what she charged me, and sent me home with mini-daffodils and carnations. She also told me that she thinks I'll be a teacher and a leader someday, based on the hardship I've endured.

Now onto a "therapist" of a different kind... Last week my psychotherapist told me that when I talked about anxiety, he felt a "swarm of bees" between us. And also that he felt a lack of connection between us. I guess it's time to find a new therapist...

I love my husband! I love my puppy/real dog! I love my kitties!

The Elusive Joseph

Made an appearance on my lap tonight!

How Many More Days Til Five Years?

Charlie officially weighs in at 71 pounds. We finally granted him bed privileges and it's the very very best! Nevermind that it means sometimes I have 70 pounds of crushing puppy-weight across my chest... it's so adorable when he falls asleep with his head in the crook of my neck! It's even more adorable when Douglas joins in on the cuteness, which is usually! Speaking of Douglas, here is a nice morning glamour shot of him:


We took the Christmas tree down and it made me sad so Miles turned on the banister lights and that made me happy. For old times sake here's a photo of me and the tree:


So I found that, indeed, I have sleep apnea - but the good news is that it's a "very mild" on the severity scale. That means I can do nothing and probably be fine for ten years as long as I don't get fat.

Nutsy has serious oral disease/inflammation and is getting the rest of her teeth removed! Poor thing! I feel terrible for her and wonder how long she's been in pain for. The vet told me I could give her warm baby food to help her eat more - and I had flashbacks to when Trigger's vet told me the same thing. :( But this is very different, so I don't think we're gonna lose Nutsy any time soon. She is one spry old grandma cat!

Charlie has parasites and an ear infection. Sheesh, what is happening with the zoo!? I have a hunch he may have gotten one or both as a present from his doggie daycare. He is pretty obliviously happy-go-lucky through the meds though, save for being a little lethargic.

Joseph has been more of an upstairs-cat than downstairs-cat lately, hooray!

Banana Bandana

Christmas has come and gone, and it was very merry. Miles gave me the awesomest gift ever!!! We hosted it at our house with my brother, Miles' dad and cousin, and two real "real dogs"! Five adults, three real dogs and three cats - hooray! We had a Honey Baked Ham, along with baked chicken, sour cream mashies, stuffing, brown gravy and green beans. I was proud of choreographing dinner so well. Charlie had a super time and pooped himself out following Scout and Ruby around the house.

Isn't he the handsomest? He is growing up so much. We got him a blue bandana for Christmas, and it only increases the incredible essence of his handsomeness! We've taken him to the beach a bunch lately - it's so nice and empty these days because of the cold and the rain. He's learned several new games: catch-the-ball-in-the-air-when-we-bounce-it-super-high and jump-up-and-grab-the-stick. He's also been interested in the ocean lately, though he doesn't go past the whitewash yet (which my paranoid self is thankful for).

I had a follow-up mammogram last week, but I haven't heard back yet... but isn't no news good news? I also had a pelvic sonogram. Though I'm BRCA negative and therefore considered not at increased risk for ovarian cancer, my gynecologist said she still likes to keep an eye on it in particularly young breast cancer patients. So yeah, just one more thing to be anxious about.

My polysomnography test was a while back. That was pretty fun. It took less than five minutes to conk out even though I had fifteen wires attached to my head, face and nose, hah. I'll get the results in a week.

Vic Ruggiero is playing a solo show, I'm so excited!! That'll be fun and also a bit nostalgic.

My "Real Dog"

Charlie is becoming such a real dog. We've been leaving his crate door and the bedroom door open at night. He conks out in his crate, then at some point sleeps behind his crate, then is back in his crate by the time I wake up. He's so tired still when I get up that sometimes he doesn't even want to go out to baubles! He's also such a teenager right now... on mornings when Miles drives me to work, we've always brought him along in the car. Nowadays, when we call him to come out to the car, he plops down on his doggie bed and looks at us like "do I HAVE to???? LOL. It's funny how much dogs are creatures-of-habit. When he comes in from the rain and I forget to towel him off, he sits down and noses at the towel. I love it when he stretches in the morning when I wake him up - he stretches so long and hard, and tries to walk at the same time. I love how when I sit on the floor, he'll wake up from a dead sleep to come plop down on my lap. He's gotta be 65 - 70 pounds now, he's such a big puppy!!!

Not Forever Now

Listening to Evangeline and drinking hazelnut coffee. Things have been so-so lately. Doing much better with work stress. But unfortunately still all messed up hormonally. When will it get better? If things don't regulate soon, my docs suggested turning off my ovaries for 3-6 months. That means hot flashes and other nice menopausal side effects again. Question: Which bad scenario is better? I had the gnarliest panic attack ever last week. I kept seeing (SWMB not SWME) a person wearing a giant stuffed buffalo head - some weird Pagan symbolism? Wdk what was going on, but it was completely terrifying. Another thing is I possibly have sleep apnea. Tomorrow night I'm doing a polysomnography test. I'm pretty excited for it because had I chosen an academic career, it would have been in sleep & dream research. Even though I like the rain and the fog hanging inbetween the trees, I really wish it wasn't already dark when I leave work.

Thanatophobia

Things are going okay. Miles and I had a nice Thanksgiving. I wish I could have seen my parents, but short of that we had a great time with my brother and other awesome family. And Charlie had a great time too! Work has been less stressful lately. I'm glad. I'm seeing a psychotherapist. He thinks my extreme anxiety is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. I've heard about PTSD in cancer survivors before, so that sounds reasonable. Overall though, my anxiety has been lessening. I need to take a trip...

And Fall To Little Pieces Every Time

Weezer Across The Sea Live in Japan in HD is awesome. So is the bliss on Dougie's face when he gets to snuggle with me and Charlie at the same time. Miles and I are hoping to visit Japan within the next year.

Introducting Charlie Blog

I've started a second blog:

Charlie Our Golden Retriever Dog That We Love So Much And He Is Cool!

It's a little rough around the edges formatting-wise, but I am working on it!

Help

I am freaking out so badly and not sure what to do. I am freaking out this second, but even worse, I am freaking out in general all the time at least a little. I am so scared of cancer coming back. I have some minor aches and pains and twinges here and there. Yet, I have no serious indication and all statistics point to me being okay for the duration of a long life. Still, I can't shake the insane, gut-wrenching fear. The last few months I've been anxious and then more anxious. But more recently my anxiety has been elevating to panic. I don't know how to not be terrified.