Diagnosis Day

(Actually written in November)

All of Sunday evening, October 5th, I was in a great deal of unrelated pain that kept me from sleeping, and I only got 30 minutes of sleep that night. Thus, the morning of Monday, October 6th I planned on staying home to try to sleep a little. However, all hell had broken loose at work & so Miles drove me to work and I TCB-ed for 30 minutes. We went back home, and I finally managed fall asleep. I was woken up by a call from the Breast Health Center asking "Did you get your results yet?" I said "No, are they in?" and they said "Yes, your results have come in - your OB/GYN will be calling you later today to let you know your results." I was just plain confused at this point (and also groggy), so I didn't argue and went back to sleep. An hour or two later I was woken up by another call -- my OB/GYN. I shot up in bed, tried to un-grog myself, and pressed the Talk button while I prepared myself for the worst. "Hi Teresa, this is Dr. Dimsdale..." (Not good... I heard the hesitation in his voice.) "I'm afraid I have bad news... your biopsy shows that you do have breast cancer..."

I lost my voice, I lost my breath, I stared at Miles (for what felt like a lifetime but was probably only 3 seconds), I thought about how the look on my face at that moment must be devastating him, and then after an eternity I think I said "Okay..." Then, I can't recall what else was said, but it wasn't much. The OB/GYN told me that someone would schedule me an appointment with a surgeon & would call me later that day to let me know when. He also told me the Breast Health Center had nurse counselors, and that I could call them to schedule a free counseling session. I wish I remember what he said to me in parting, but I don't. I hung up the phone and felt totally numb. I think Miles and I hugged a lot. I don't remember if I cried, but I don't think so. I remember having a really hard time catching my breath. Especially after being woken up abruptly, I remember hoping with all my might that I wasn't really awake yet, and wondering if I was having a dream within a dream. I remember being afraid of dying. I remember being afraid of losing Miles. I remember being afraid of Miles losing me. I remember thinking that it would be so insanely unfair for Miles to lose me after already losing the other most important woman in his life. I remember being deathly scared. I am crying right now just thinking about that 5 minutes of my life...

We finally composed ourselves as best as we could. I called my parents right away. I don't really remember that conversation either. I remember my mom said she always thought I might get breast cancer because my paternal grandmother died of it. After a little bit, we called the Breast Health Center to see if we could talk to a counselor that day. We scheduled an appointment for that afternoon, and then we went to Miyabi to get out of the suffocating house. Lunch didn't go over so well. We sat in front of our barely-touched meals and took turns almost crying. The nurse educator from the Breast Health Center (Leslie) called and asked if we could come earlier so the licensed clinical counselor (Carol) could join us. We left our uneaten food and headed over there.

What awaited us there was the single most awful experience of this whole ordeal so far:
We got there and sat down across the table from Leslie and Carol. For a moment, they both just stared at us with these pained looks. The first thing Leslie said was "We're all in shock, you're very young..." And it just went downhill from there. Carol (the supposed "emotions" part counselor) eventually chimed in that she had to leave in 15 minutes for her 3 p.m. appointment. Leslie flipped through my biopsy report and some pamplets, brochures, and other junk. She went through the pathology report telling us a bunch of stuff that didn't make any sense yet. She did make sure to clearly point out that my 80% proliferation rate was "very high." So far, we hadn't heard anything encouraging or reassuring, nothing about how breast cancer treatments are constantly improving, and nothing even remotely in the vein of "you're not alone." She continued on, and we continued to feel blind-sided. Abruptly, Carol cut in to mention that she had to leave in 2 minutes, so Leslie let her talk. I don't remember anything Carol said (which was not much anyhow), except she said I should join a support group. Hmm, well okay... but as for support, I thought that was YOUR job at this present moment... yet all you're doing is saying have to leave and telling me there is this foreign thing called ... a "support group"? Then Carol was gone. And there was Leslie staring at us with that pained expression still. Then she pulled out a binder about breast cancer, with some glossy category dividers like "Your Diagnosis" and "Resources" and etc. She flipped through it for us, and towards the end she came to the "Inspiration" category.

Leslie: "Heh, well, funny thing, the person who put together this binder forgot to copy the pages for the 'Inspiration' section... so we're just going to skip this section!"

What?!!? Are you telling me that there is no inspiration for me? What are you saying?! Miles & I were completely dumbfounded. Soon after, she left to go do whatever was more important than our scarred, emotional "well-being," and told us we could sit in the room for as long as needed, and that we could call her if we had any other questions or just needed someone to talk to (hah, fat chance I will be calling her!). Miles & I sat there for 15 minutes, both feeling 100x worse than when we walked in. We went to the counselors thinking we would come away feeling better, but they FAILED bigtime. We both cried. It was my first real cry since the news. We finally went home. I had nonstop butterflies in my stomach. I felt completely drained and tried to sleep, but sleep was impossible.

Later that night Miles & I decided there was now no reason to wait until April to have our wedding, and that we wanted to do it ASAP. We got so excited about the idea that we took out our wedding bands and had our own private impromptu ceremony in our bedroom. Miles put a shirt and tie over his boxers, and I put on a dress over my pajama pants. We held each other close and said vows so tender we couldn't have recreated them in a million years. We had our first married kiss, and then we danced to Sleepwalk on the iPod. We also took a set of "just married" Polaroids that are my favorite PHOTOS ever. Somehow, we turned the single worst day of our lives into the single best day of our lives. I love you with all my heart, Miles.. thank you so much for that night. :)

No more tears now thinking about that day, I'm just beaming from remembering how it ended!