I started radiation treatment last week. Today was 7 of 19 treatments. I go in five days a week for a month. It sounds like a lot to get up and go everyday, but it's really not that bad. It's weird to think about getting that much radiation to my body, even if it's just localized to one area... but I've mostly gotten past the weirdness.
So I go in and lay in a mold created for my upper torso. These green laser lights shine on my body like crosshairs, and the techs push and pull me to line the machine up with the two tiny tattoos on my chest. When it's perfect, they leave the room and talk to me through speakers. A screen in front of me shows my breathing patterns in the form of a wave, and when they tell me to I take a deep breath and hold it between two lines on the screen. That's when the magic happens, and it lasts 10-20 seconds each time. I get one zap from the right and two from the left. It's totally painless, but I'll get some skin irritation soon, like a super intense sunburn.
The first couple days of radiation really bummed me out just like the start of chemo did. Being in a new place getting normally toxic stuff done to my body that I don't totally understand, ugh. Looking around and seeing that I'm surrounded by people over twice my age, ugh. It feels like the other patients look at me like I'm out of place ... but maybe I'm just projecting? I feel I've mostly upbeat so far, with only a few "bad days" throughout this ordeal. I tend to feel like I'm selfish by feeling sorry for myself and wondering "Why me?" I try to remind myself that I have so many things to be grateful for. But sometimes it's really really hard to stay positive. I think I'm allowed those days. But still it kind of makes me feel bad in a different way like I'm being really ungrateful for the great things I do have. So maybe what I'm trying to say is ... maybe I haven't been honest with myself about how hard this has been to come to terms with??
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Chemo is Finished!
I'm finally done with chemo!!!!! My last treatment was on April 23. Here I am celebrating the last 15 minutes of my last infusion:
After my last chemo I still felt pretty awful for a week, had my weekly migraine, etc. Miles and I managed to get away for a one-night mini-celebration in the woods. We had an awesome time! We drank rootbeer and orange soda floats in the jacuzzi bathtub, with a fire going. We ate steaks at the Buckeye, where our waitress asked us "gentleman" if we were ready to order, LOL. We took lots of PHOTOS for our polaroid memoirs album. We enjoyed lots of rejuvenating fresh air, sunshine, and trees. This is one of my favorite photos from the mini-trip, and this might now be my favorite spot in the Bay Area now:
So wowow, I am finally done with chemotherapy! Four and a half months! What a great feeling! My gross, ouchy rash is still hanging on, but getting slowly better. All of my fingernails are still red and purple and yellow, but they'll eventually get better. My head still looks like either a baby elephant, really old man, or Linus, but I'll have hair again soon. My energy level is still at 50%, but I'm hoping someday I'll be 100% again. Chemo was hard, but I'm happy I did it.
I now only have 1/3 left of my treatment plan. The last step is radiation, which starts in two weeks. I'll go in Monday thru Friday for four weeks, for a daily zap of radiation to my left breast. I've already done my planning appointment. They made a mold of my body so that I stay perfectly still each time. They also tattooed two tiny dots on my breast so they know precisely where to point the x-rays. My radiation oncologist is pretty great, we like him very much. I was nervous about radiation and was worried about long-term effects of that much radiation to my body... and he really sat down with us, took his time, and made us feel very comfortable with everything.
My parents were just here for three days, and it was great! I wish we weren't so far away from each other. Though three days went by quickly, we made the best of it. We adventured in Marin and Sonoma, and drove a backroad through redwoods and fog where we were the only people on earth. We had a three-way celebration at Outback in honor of end of chemo, my Dad's birthday, and Mother's Day. I forgive Outback for not having potato soup. We played lots of Liverpool Rummy. I love my parents so much, I'm so thankful to have such amazing and kind and loving parents!
So my treatment will be finally finished mid-June just in time for my 29th birthday. Then what? Then things go back to "normal"? To some extent, I suppose. I'm scared of a few particular things happening post-treatment. First, I'm nervous that since I won't be seeing doctors every week, I'll be constantly worried about the cancer coming back. I feel like I might worry incessantly about every little bump or pain or ache in my body. To overcome this, I feel like I need to become more in tune with my body to learn what warrants worry and what doesn't. But, in absence of any bumps, pains or aches, I'm nervous that I'll still worry myself sick with the "what if"s of a future recurrence or metastasis. To overcome that, I'll just need to try to be more mindful of the present, rather than worry about the future. I don't think that's impossible, just difficult. The last big thing I'm worried about is I'm afraid of settling back into pre-cancer "normal" life. I honestly don't want that back. Well, one thing I've lost is my feeling of carefree-ness. I would like to have that back, and I think the way to do it is through mindfulness. But that's not what I'm talking about. Cancer has changed me a lot. It's made me better at prioritizing life and the things in it. It's helped me not sweat the small stuff and has helped me to de-stress my life a lot ... stuff like traffic, petty work issues, inconsiderate people, paying for expensive haircuts, silly disagreements or arguments with Miles ... it's easy to avoid getting wrapped up in those things now and focus on more important stuff. I also see that work doesn't have to be "just work," and I'm interested in finding something I'm passionate about, and making it happen. Cancer has affected me positively in that I see life with clear eyes, and I'm grateful for that. I'm worried that after active treatment, it could be easy to slip back into old ways and feelings, and I don't want that.
After my last chemo I still felt pretty awful for a week, had my weekly migraine, etc. Miles and I managed to get away for a one-night mini-celebration in the woods. We had an awesome time! We drank rootbeer and orange soda floats in the jacuzzi bathtub, with a fire going. We ate steaks at the Buckeye, where our waitress asked us "gentleman" if we were ready to order, LOL. We took lots of PHOTOS for our polaroid memoirs album. We enjoyed lots of rejuvenating fresh air, sunshine, and trees. This is one of my favorite photos from the mini-trip, and this might now be my favorite spot in the Bay Area now:
So wowow, I am finally done with chemotherapy! Four and a half months! What a great feeling! My gross, ouchy rash is still hanging on, but getting slowly better. All of my fingernails are still red and purple and yellow, but they'll eventually get better. My head still looks like either a baby elephant, really old man, or Linus, but I'll have hair again soon. My energy level is still at 50%, but I'm hoping someday I'll be 100% again. Chemo was hard, but I'm happy I did it.
I now only have 1/3 left of my treatment plan. The last step is radiation, which starts in two weeks. I'll go in Monday thru Friday for four weeks, for a daily zap of radiation to my left breast. I've already done my planning appointment. They made a mold of my body so that I stay perfectly still each time. They also tattooed two tiny dots on my breast so they know precisely where to point the x-rays. My radiation oncologist is pretty great, we like him very much. I was nervous about radiation and was worried about long-term effects of that much radiation to my body... and he really sat down with us, took his time, and made us feel very comfortable with everything.
My parents were just here for three days, and it was great! I wish we weren't so far away from each other. Though three days went by quickly, we made the best of it. We adventured in Marin and Sonoma, and drove a backroad through redwoods and fog where we were the only people on earth. We had a three-way celebration at Outback in honor of end of chemo, my Dad's birthday, and Mother's Day. I forgive Outback for not having potato soup. We played lots of Liverpool Rummy. I love my parents so much, I'm so thankful to have such amazing and kind and loving parents!
So my treatment will be finally finished mid-June just in time for my 29th birthday. Then what? Then things go back to "normal"? To some extent, I suppose. I'm scared of a few particular things happening post-treatment. First, I'm nervous that since I won't be seeing doctors every week, I'll be constantly worried about the cancer coming back. I feel like I might worry incessantly about every little bump or pain or ache in my body. To overcome this, I feel like I need to become more in tune with my body to learn what warrants worry and what doesn't. But, in absence of any bumps, pains or aches, I'm nervous that I'll still worry myself sick with the "what if"s of a future recurrence or metastasis. To overcome that, I'll just need to try to be more mindful of the present, rather than worry about the future. I don't think that's impossible, just difficult. The last big thing I'm worried about is I'm afraid of settling back into pre-cancer "normal" life. I honestly don't want that back. Well, one thing I've lost is my feeling of carefree-ness. I would like to have that back, and I think the way to do it is through mindfulness. But that's not what I'm talking about. Cancer has changed me a lot. It's made me better at prioritizing life and the things in it. It's helped me not sweat the small stuff and has helped me to de-stress my life a lot ... stuff like traffic, petty work issues, inconsiderate people, paying for expensive haircuts, silly disagreements or arguments with Miles ... it's easy to avoid getting wrapped up in those things now and focus on more important stuff. I also see that work doesn't have to be "just work," and I'm interested in finding something I'm passionate about, and making it happen. Cancer has affected me positively in that I see life with clear eyes, and I'm grateful for that. I'm worried that after active treatment, it could be easy to slip back into old ways and feelings, and I don't want that.
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