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Christmas has come and gone, and it was very merry. Miles gave me the awesomest gift ever!!! We hosted it at our house with my brother, Miles' dad and cousin, and two real "real dogs"! Five adults, three real dogs and three cats - hooray! We had a Honey Baked Ham, along with baked chicken, sour cream mashies, stuffing, brown gravy and green beans. I was proud of choreographing dinner so well. Charlie had a super time and pooped himself out following Scout and Ruby around the house.
Isn't he the handsomest? He is growing up so much. We got him a blue bandana for Christmas, and it only increases the incredible essence of his handsomeness! We've taken him to the beach a bunch lately - it's so nice and empty these days because of the cold and the rain. He's learned several new games: catch-the-ball-in-the-air-when-we-bounce-it-super-high and jump-up-and-grab-the-stick. He's also been interested in the ocean lately, though he doesn't go past the whitewash yet (which my paranoid self is thankful for).
I had a follow-up mammogram last week, but I haven't heard back yet... but isn't no news good news? I also had a pelvic sonogram. Though I'm BRCA negative and therefore considered not at increased risk for ovarian cancer, my gynecologist said she still likes to keep an eye on it in particularly young breast cancer patients. So yeah, just one more thing to be anxious about.
My polysomnography test was a while back. That was pretty fun. It took less than five minutes to conk out even though I had fifteen wires attached to my head, face and nose, hah. I'll get the results in a week.
Vic Ruggiero is playing a solo show, I'm so excited!! That'll be fun and also a bit nostalgic.
Charlie is becoming such a real dog. We've been leaving his crate door and the bedroom door open at night. He conks out in his crate, then at some point sleeps behind his crate, then is back in his crate by the time I wake up. He's so tired still when I get up that sometimes he doesn't even want to go out to baubles! He's also such a teenager right now... on mornings when Miles drives me to work, we've always brought him along in the car. Nowadays, when we call him to come out to the car, he plops down on his doggie bed and looks at us like "do I HAVE to???? LOL. It's funny how much dogs are creatures-of-habit. When he comes in from the rain and I forget to towel him off, he sits down and noses at the towel. I love it when he stretches in the morning when I wake him up - he stretches so long and hard, and tries to walk at the same time. I love how when I sit on the floor, he'll wake up from a dead sleep to come plop down on my lap. He's gotta be 65 - 70 pounds now, he's such a big puppy!!!
Listening to Evangeline and drinking hazelnut coffee. Things have been so-so lately. Doing much better with work stress. But unfortunately still all messed up hormonally. When will it get better? If things don't regulate soon, my docs suggested turning off my ovaries for 3-6 months. That means hot flashes and other nice menopausal side effects again. Question: Which bad scenario is better? I had the gnarliest panic attack ever last week. I kept seeing (SWMB not SWME) a person wearing a giant stuffed buffalo head - some weird Pagan symbolism? Wdk what was going on, but it was completely terrifying. Another thing is I possibly have sleep apnea. Tomorrow night I'm doing a polysomnography test. I'm pretty excited for it because had I chosen an academic career, it would have been in sleep & dream research. Even though I like the rain and the fog hanging inbetween the trees, I really wish it wasn't already dark when I leave work.
Things are going okay. Miles and I had a nice Thanksgiving. I wish I could have seen my parents, but short of that we had a great time with my brother and other awesome family. And Charlie had a great time too! Work has been less stressful lately. I'm glad. I'm seeing a psychotherapist. He thinks my extreme anxiety is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. I've heard about PTSD in cancer survivors before, so that sounds reasonable. Overall though, my anxiety has been lessening. I need to take a trip...
Weezer Across The Sea Live in Japan in HD is awesome. So is the bliss on Dougie's face when he gets to snuggle with me and Charlie at the same time. Miles and I are hoping to visit Japan within the next year.
I am freaking out so badly and not sure what to do. I am freaking out this second, but even worse, I am freaking out in general all the time at least a little. I am so scared of cancer coming back. I have some minor aches and pains and twinges here and there. Yet, I have no serious indication and all statistics point to me being okay for the duration of a long life. Still, I can't shake the insane, gut-wrenching fear. The last few months I've been anxious and then more anxious. But more recently my anxiety has been elevating to panic. I don't know how to not be terrified.
Charlie is losing his manhood today - probably just as I write this. I almost hit a mouse driving home the other night. I met with a psychiatrist the other day - he seemed nice & I cried. Miles and I celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary with steak dinner TWO times - Stark's has the best pre-dinner bread I have ever tasted. Miles caught Douglas snuggling with Charlie again, this time on Charlie's new giant plush dogbed. Something's wrong with Nutsy's mouth again so we're trying out the Forestville vet. Joseph is a "downstairs cat."
Today Charlie is six months old!!! Today he also played in the pouring rain for the first time & loved it!
According to the Press Democrat, it's "Car vs. Deer" season. Last night heading home on River Road we saw an injured deer on the side of the road trying to stand up. It looked like it had just been hit, and there was a suspect car with its hazards on 500 feet ahead. We called 911 and gave the location of the deer and made sure to tell them it was still alive - they took down the info and said thanks. This morning on my way to work, there it was - dead. The time for it to manifest had passed. I tried not to, but I still suffered.
Charlie has a new trick called "clean up." I tell him to go get his scattered toys one-by-one and he grabs them and drops them back into his toybox. And when he misses the toybox in his haste and it falls outside, he picks it up again and deliberately places it inside. He learned the trick in <10 minutes. He is so smart!!!!! Not surprised!
Yesterday was two years to the date of that super scary phone call - one of the top worst days of my life - a worst day that led to the best decisions of my life. Last year October 6 came and went without me noticing. This year I was not so oblivious, but I accept that. This two-year anniversary is just a reminder that the other special two-year anniversary is right around the corner!
Back to the grind. At least I have a visit from my parents to look forward to. Still, I'm feeling melancholy & not exactly sure why. It could be due to hormonal imbalances. I've been especially imbalanced since my period came back nine months ago. Though I feel mostly back to myself physically, the messed-up hormones plus my fatigue plus my arthritic hands are everyday reminders of what I've been through and how different my body is now.
Let me reflect more on Saturday, and maybe that'll put a smile on my face?
First off, Miles and I went to the Will and Anders house show in SF last Wednesday. It was at a Mission loft and the hosts were a very nice young couple. At one point the guy noticed from across the room that Miles didn't have a bottle opener for his beer, and he came over to offer assistance - we're talking that sort of nice. There were about 30 people and it was very cozy. Anders played first and it sounded amazing. I wasn't very familiar with him but his songs and voice were instantly memorable. He played a song called Don't Let the Darkness In about his dog that he said he'd just finished while up in Portland - it's so good it's still stuck in my head. Will played second, and what can I say other than it was the very best? I would've been extremely pleased if the SF house show was all there was. But... then we hosted our very own house show!
So on Saturday we weren't expecting them to show up til later since they had such a long drive up to Guerneville. But the doorbell rang around 5:30 and I saw the top of tall Anders' head through the glass! They took powernaps while dinner cooked. Then my long lost fellow Marooned friend Sarah and her BF Cameron arrived. It was like a day hadn't passed between us! I made bbq pulled pork sandwiches, garlic mashies and salad. We were well-stocked on booze: fridge full of Budweisers, Blue Moons, Pliny the Elder, Blind Pig and champagne; and pantry full of whiskey, wine, and many half-full liquor bottles. We ate and drank and joked around. Will was impressed with Miles' childhood baseball photo signed by Ozzie Smith. He also joked that he told his fiancee that the fam was moving to Guerneville! Sarah and I demonstrated that our patented synchronized swoon hadn't lost a beat in twelve years. Guests eventually arrived - and when I say "guests" I mean all of seven other people - 8 of 11 paid tickets were no-shows! So there were a total of 13 people, including Anders and Will. Can you imagine your favorite dude playing in your own living room to such a tiny crowd?! I can now!!! Anders played first. I recognized many songs already just from SF - and he sounded so amazing. I was stoked to hear Don't Let the Darkness In again. I'm now quickly fixing the fact that I don't know his material. He was so at ease playing and talking between songs - "So how's everyone doing?" was kind of a joke since everyone had already been talking to everyone else. Then Will played. It was the very very best. Kind of like how ginger boy cats are "the very very best." A couple songs in, he asked if anyone had any questions and Miles said "I have a question - can you play something off Redo the Stacks? We sort of got married to that record." And he obliged with Rock n Roll Eyes!! Later a dude asked for something from Carlton Chronicles, and Will played I Feel Too Young To Die. He sort of forgot bits of the song and it was really cute watching him try to sort it out in his head. He played the following: Almost Let You In (a fave), Triggers & Trash Heaps, Rock N Roll Eyes (swoon), Take The Maps, Atlanta (all-time fave), Alabama Crusade, Kept On The Sly, Philo Manitoba, I Feel Too Young To Die, a song about Bastrop and inflatable pools and devils crossing the state line, and a couple others. Then everyone wanted more and Miles asked if Will & Anders ever played together - and so they did! Anders sang the first song with Will doing harmonies. And then they played Just To Know What You've Been Dreaming, and it sounded awesome with Anders' backing vocals and guitar bridge! So good!!! BTW, Charlie was so good with everyone & he was a huge hit! He went from person to person for pets for a while and then just laid down in the middle of the room! Joseph made himself scarce all night, of course. Nutsy - poor painkiller-ed Nutsy who had 8 teeth pulled the day before - was around but not very social. Douglas was present but hesitant. During a song, Doug ran out to the middle and then spazzed, twitched, and ran full speed out of the room! One by one our guests departed. Sarah and Cameron left earlier than I hoped for, but they had far to drive in the morning. Miles, Will and I talked til late in the kitchen about baseball, facebook, children, touring, the Green Bay Packers and other things. It's awesome watching Miles talk to a fellow die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan - he gets so adorably animated. In the morning I made breakfast for the dudes - B&LG, little sausages, eggs, and hash browns that wouldn't brown. I wasn't very pleased, but both dudes cleaned their plates. So it was either passable, or they're just very polite. Which they are... so wdk. We bid them adieu and they got on the road to Reno, but not until the Japanese tourist side of me asked for Polaroids. Miles and I basked in the joy of the weekend the rest of Sunday & cuddled with our animals. Even Charlie was pooped from all the excitement and he flopped on the floor all day long.
Will Johnson and Anders Parker played in our living room this weekend...
Slow-cooked bbq pork, synchronized swoon, beer jugs and Cardinals mugs, Don't Let the Darkness In, Charlie making fans, Magical Johnson, a "we got married to" Redo the Stacks request, dual harmonizing songs, That's A Winner, biscuits and lumpy gravy, and goodbye polaroids. In shorter form - I am very pleased!!
Miles and I and Charlie and the zoo were all very tired after they left on Sunday, so we all spent the day snuggling.
listen, poor my little girl, open your eyes it's too bright. listen, oh my little girl, squinting your eyes at the light.
i never knew how you tried, i never knew at all, until you lay in the hospital, silly cone round your head. i never thanked you for tryin, i never thanked you at all, til you lay in that hospital, no more movement at all.
Charlie is getting so big, I think he's about 40 pounds now!!! We enrolled him in "puppy kindergarten" which starts in two weeks. There will be about ten other puppies - several labradors, a german shepherd, a mini poodligog and some others. I'm glad to hear there are other large breed pups for him to interact with. I can't believe we've had him for 10 weeks already, as well as 10 weeks only! He is looking so grown-up these days - his hair is getting all shiny and slick - not puppy-like fuzziness anymore. He spends a great deal of his day outside the crate now, now that he's so good at holding his pee. He's never once had an accident in the car, and this weekend he gets to go on a car-ride all the way to Santa Cruz for an extended playdate!
I didn't write this:
"The challenges of survivorship are many. More than anything else, it is the searing recognition of mortality that changes everything. From this moment forward, all of life will be viewed through a double lens as we appreciate the possibilities of both a long life and a greatly abbreviated one. This dual view may actually, over time, enrich our lives. We make a conscious and willing choice, each of us living with cancer, to go on, to take and to appreciate the darkness as well as the sunlight. We hold dear the night as well as the morning."
Charlie is 15 weeks tomorrow! He is growing like a weed, and has just passed 30 pounds now. His head alone looks like it weighs 30 pounds!!
He's learned so much in 7 weeks, and he's so incredibly well-mannered and smart! He learned how to shake in just 5 tries! He now knows sit, down, shake, stay, drop it, mealtime, bedtime, and soon he'll know heel. He played/terrorized two puppies the other night that were a third his size. I experience the true meaning of "puppy
dog eyes" every time I tell him it's bedtime. Could he be any cuter? Douglas loves Charlie and is desperate to be buddies, while wary of Charlie's size at the same time. Charlie tries to "shake" for Douglas, which never ends well!
Douglas is still ever-cuddly.
Nutsy and Joseph still like laying in the sun.
I still like Centro-matic.
Today is Charlie's 3-month birthday!!!
So I'm 1 year out from treatment. How fast time passes! I had a bunch of doctor follow-ups last week: Dr. Smith (who I see every 3 months), Dr. Richards (every 6 months) and Dr. Rounsaville (every 6 months). I also did a bilateral breast MRI. All three docs said everything looked great, and Dr. Rounsaville even said I no longer needed follow ups with him! My MRI was "perfectly normal" and my bloodwork was normal as well. Whew... sigh of relief!! I rarely think about cancer these days, but anxiety definitely still strikes around follow-up time.
I can't believe how different my life is one year later. One year ago I was house-ridden (sometimes bed-ridden) with a post-chemo stomach affliction that cost me 3 months, 20 pounds, and some sanity. Now I'm healthy and have gained the weight back. I was unhappy, super stressed and consumed with my high-pressure job. Now I love where I work, enjoy the people I see every day, and when I leave at 5 PM work is the last thing on my mind. We were renting an old, moldy and dank apartment that leaked rain every winter and smelled like dead rats every few months. Now we own a beautiful home in the trees with tons of space to spare. We were living in SF, where folks scurry around all fast-paced and forget to connect with each other. Now we live in awesome Sonoma County aka "Wine Country" (LOL) where everyone is happy and friendly because the beautiful surroundings help ease their everyday lives. We used to drive to Dolores Park on the nicest days for a little warm sunshine, or perhaps drive 1.5 hours to the Russian River for a day of sun, water and beer. Now we walk just 5 minutes to our nearest Russian River beach to drink Blue Moons! We used to dream of the day when we could comfortably house a dog. Now not only do we have the company of the sweetest puppy, but it's a Golden Retriever aka "Which puppy is BEST?"! AND, we've also added a Smooshie who's full of nothing but love! The only thing missing is Trigger of course...
Nutsy, Joseph, Douglas and Charlie: So many names I get tripped up sometimes! Like when my Mom says "Tre-Dan" hahaha. Charlie is doing so well. The potty accidents are decreasing - once every couple days only. He sleeps in his crate by the bed no problem. He knows where to "go baubles," he does "sit" so well, and he's on his way to "down" and "drop it". He's about doubled in size in less than three weeks! He's awesome at retrieving - his favorite thing to do is run back at full-speed with his turtle and faceplant into my lap. He really is the cutest dude ever!!! But he is growing so quickly, I can already see the future, handsome, grown up Golden Retriever dude when I look at his puppy face. I LOVE HIM!!!!
The kitties are doing great too!! Nutsy is totally healthy and back to her spry, whiny self (hahahha). She'd gained a whole pound last time they checked her weight! Though she's already 14 years old, I feel she'll be around for a long time to come! :) Joseph is his sweet, shy self - always sitting in his favorite chair with armrest. He loves his bathroom pets and his face pets. I bet he misses heater pets & the static electricity, poor dude heheheh. And Douglas is so attached to us sometimes he doesn't know what to do with himself! When I step out of the shower he's there sitting on the foot towel, waiting to rub on my legs - so I have to towel my legs off before I step out, otherwise they get coated in Douglas hair! He snuggles with me all the time and loves to gaze up at me with those big copper eyes. He's also in love with Charlie and is always visiting him. Yay for the petting zoo!
Also, I've been playing the drums! Miles and I have a couple of awesome songs!! I'm really excited about them!
It's official, don't you think?! Four animals in one house seems to constitute a personal petting zoo?? When referring to all the boys and girl, it's no longer "cat party" but now "the zoo."
So this past Saturday Miles and I went to pick out and pick up our 8- or 9-week old Golden Retriever puppy from the Kings Kastle shelter folks. I'm still feeling like this is unreal, or at least a dream come true - that our application was chosen out of 900 other applications - and that we've been given this amazing opportunity to share our life with a brand new GRD (aka the very best kind of D). Wowie!!!!!!!! Talk about fortune shining upon us!! I guess all the stars lined up in our favor. The adult GRs were rescued on Miles' birthday in March, then we got the phone call in June just as we were embarking on my birthday weekend, and then we picked the puppy named Cooper (which was the name of Miles' first family Golden growing up!).
Here is the proud and excited papa and new pup:
Here is Charlie (it just wasn't right for him to be another "Cooper") next to his brother Hunter and their mom Sheba right in front:
Here is Charlie passed out on the car ride home:
Here is Charlie napping even more when we got home:
And here he's finally waking up a little - still tired and lazy, but settling in with his new home and family:
He's only 8.5 weeks old. But what a good boy he's been - my, what manners! He quickly learned his name, as well as "sit" and "come." He's also learned where his potty ("baubles") spot is, although sometimes he goes there a bit begrudgingly still. Even so, his little bladder muscles aren't fully developed yet and he still has accidents which are easy to clean on our hardwood floor. Last night he had a #2 (rather... a #3) accident in the kitchen - definitely the grossest so far! He's also learning to spend some alone time in his crate without whining. Ignoring the whining has been one of the more difficult tasks for me and Miles, but we've been diligent & it seems to be paying off. He's such a good little boy! He's teething and chewing on everything right now, and I guess that's going to continue for a while & we can only try to redirect him when he does. When he whines, after a minute or two he makes this dramatic "harumphf" sound and flops down on the floor with all his paws sticking out - it's the cutest!!!
Last night Douglas visited Charlie several times in the kitchen. Douglas laid down inside Charlie's crate and Charlie laid in front of it, and they played the staring game for a while. They're going to be fast friends soon! Seriously, can you picture anything cuter than a Golden puppy and its smoosh face best friend??!
I had an awesome 30th birthday! I got to spend it with my wonderful husband, my other cat, her buddy, and her "first cat." The drive up was fun and when we stayed in Medford, the Food-4-Less told us exactly where to find the Hot Pockets and Eggos. In Portland we ate a lot of deep fried gud fud, and drank a lot of champagne. I had mozzarella stix twice in one day! We watched a lot of Food Network, GR puppy videos, Aziz Ansari videos, and Heart videos. We also made plentiful trips to the Plaid Party Pantry Paint Palace. We went to Holman's, Ash Street Saloon, The Tom's, Slingshot Lounge, and the Gladstone Street Pub. I wish California bars served food til closing! On the drive home we finally found an Arby's, and re-did last year's terrible birthday Arby's experience, yay!
As if this weren't already an awesome enough birthday... we also got word that we were chosen to adopt one of these dudes this Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miles and I went with the other California Tufflis to St. Louis for a few days for Lauren's wedding. There are lots of awesome, dilapidated brick buildings in St. Louis. And a bunch of also-awesome, not dilapidated brick buildings. There are also "toasted raviolis" everywhere. We saw the Arch but didn't go in it. We saw Busch Stadium but couldn't go in it. We saw Lemp Mansion but didn't see ghosts. We frequented Jack Patrick's but only played two games of pool. The bride and her maid of honor were beautiful. It was a great trip. I wish it'd been a little warmer. It was fun spending so much time with Fred, B&K and the kids. Maybe I'll toast some raviolis tonight!
Last night Miles and I went to watch the Lyrid Meteor Shower at 1:30 a.m. We drove towards Jenner and stopped past Duncan Mills on the roadside. We hadn't passed a single other car. With nothing around but cows, rolling hills, weird sounds and pitch blackness, it was totally nerve-wracking. It didn't help that I had mentioned the double-murder that happened on a Jenner beach a while back. We laid on the hood of the car and lasted only 5 minutes til we got PARANOID (the current FEEL BAD). Far in the distance we heard a man scream... it was long and drawn out, and definitely not a party-yell. We jumped in the car and went home!! We saw one meteor while driving and one each while laying there, so it wasn't all for naught! But we also learned that we're not ready to go more remote than we are just yet, hehe.
What an awesome day Miles and I had. It all started when we went to the 101 Casino at 3 a.m. ... had some beers at 6 a.m., and then discovered free b-fast at 7:30 a.m.! Free biscuits and gravy! The biscuits were chewy, but that's an observation and not a complaint because - hey they were free! We came home and played some morning ping pong before we headed to Jenner for coffee with the birds and snakes at the mouth of the river. Then we drove to Healdsburg with an all-Centro-matic shuffle and explored Westside/Eastside Roads, and let the sun shine in everywhere. We searched everywhere for BBQ and when we found it it wasn't ready yet. So we settled for an It's Always Sunny marathon at home instead.
The other night I had really good chicken pot pie w/biscuit at P-30. They had crayons at each table, and I drew a picture of Douglas' favorite food items to date:
1. Champagne
2. Tangerine peel
3. Grapes
4. Orange juice
5. Broccoli
6. Tortilla
7. Strawberry
8. Doritos
9. My toothbrush (WITH toothpaste)! He is so weird!
Little did I know that when I was inspired to get a smooshie by the most famous smooshie Winston, that our new smooshie would come complete with Winston-like characteristics like eating everything!!! He never smells anything first -- he just opens up his awkward-shaped mouth and noms it!
Life is very rad at the moment. We've lived in our new house in vacation-land for two months now, and it's starting to feel pretty normal. I feel like my body is finally descending the stress pole as I become more accustomed and accepting that this is really what life is like now. I love our surroundings so much. As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, I know we're in store for many months of awesomeness. Driving to & from work through the redwoods and the vineyards and the daffodils and the calla lilies stokes me out everyday!!
Last week while Miles was away at SXSW Jane visited. We did lots of awesome things. We ate maccies at the airport, we ate maccies at Underwood but no bocce ball, we ate not-so-good-but-not-terrible maccies at the weird alien restaurant, we went to see the 5 corns, we hung out with NBF Doug (not Douglas the cat) and the Megatouch, we hung out with Douglas the cat, we played air hockey, we had a raps party in SF til 5:45 a.m., we went bubbles tasting, and we drank a lot of rosé champagne just in general. It was all awesome!!!
And Happy Birthday, LOML!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happiest place in California
Study: Sonoma County ranks first in state, fifth in nation for well-being
By NATHAN HALVERSON
THE PRESS DEMOCRAT
Here is the view from my desk at my new job:
Man, my new co-worker is lazy!!
Here is the view from where I'm sitting in my new living room:
I recently wrote an article about my cancer experience for a friend's magazine. It's interesting to look back at cancer treatment vs. being in the thick of it.
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The old me associated the word “cancer” with a certain and fast-approaching death. 24 hours post-diagnosis I couldn’t even say “cancer” out loud. The new me sees cancer as many different and often-conflicting things: a hardship, an annoyance, a shadow, a gift, a challenge, an isolator, a unifier, and just plain old cancer. Cancer exists, and I am here in the moment with it.
I was told via telephone that I had breast cancer in October 2008 – I was just 28 years old. “Hi Teresa, this is Dr. Dimsdale ... I’m afraid I have bad news ... your biopsy shows that it is breast cancer ....” I lost my voice. I lost my breath. I stared at Miles for what felt like a lifetime but was probably just 3 seconds. I thought about how the look on my face was certainly devastating him. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of losing Miles. I was afraid of Miles losing me. I was angry at how unfair it would be for him to lose his soon-to-be-wife.
It all began in September 2008. Miles casually draped his arm around me on the couch and noticed a lump near my armpit. Slight hypochondriac that I am – my heart skipped a beat when he said “What’s this???” and I felt the lump with my fingertips. I quickly visited my OB/GYN, and he quickly dismissed it as “probably a cyst.” Luckily, he had the good sense to be thorough and order an ultrasound anyways.
Some less fortunate young women are dismissed by their doctors as being too young for cancer, while their tumor grows and grows. There has been recent controversy over how being cautious with younger women runs the risk of over-testing, leading to increased false positives and further unnecessary testing. Naturally, I’m in favor of early testing since I owe my life to the caution my doctor demonstrated.
My ultrasound revealed a solid black mass rather than a pocket of fluid, and my anxiety increased. Still, the doctor dismissed it as “probably a benign fibroadenoma,” and scheduled a biopsy to give us all peace of mind. Then came the biopsy, followed by agonizing waiting, followed by the fateful telephone call, which brings me back to this: Here I am, living in the present, though changed forever by my 15 months of cancer life.
Treatment was intense and scary, especially for someone who’d never been hospitalized or anesthetized before. Treatment kept me busy, to say the least. October and November: I had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, and recovered from them. November and December: I gave myself injections in the stomach everyday to create frozen embryos. December, January, February, March, and April: I hopped between the chemo chair and my bed. May: I tried to get rid of the painful rash and other side effects from chemo. June: I had my breast zapped everyday with radiation that turned my pores black. June, July, August and September: I writhed in pain every day and lost 20 pounds entirely not by choice. Oh, and did I mention that I worked 60% time throughout most of this?
My tumor was close to my left armpit. After I knew it was cancerous, my fingers subconsciously wandered over to feel it, and I obsessed over wanting it out of my body as soon as humanly possible. Those 24 days between diagnosis and surgery were pure torture. Since my tumor was small enough, I opted for a lumpectomy – a breast-conserving surgery to remove only the tumor rather than the entire breast. Driving to the hospital that morning, I saw 5 golden retrievers in 15 minutes. Retrievers are now my good luck omen! I was more scared of general anesthesia for the first time than the surgery itself. My mindfulness breathing exercises and my wonderful surgeon’s reassurance calmed me as I waited. They had me climb up onto the operating table myself, which struck me as weird. But hey – I was a n00b to surgery – what did I know?! I woke up hours later on a morphine drip, and I think I asked my nurse over and over again what her name was. Suddenly, Miles was at my bedside with a huge smile on his face. He excitedly told me the sentinel lymph nodes they removed were cancer-free, but I was too drugged up to comprehend. All I knew was Miles was happy, and that made me happy. We actually celebrated a few days later on Election Day 2008, when Dr. Awesome called and confirmed that the lymph nodes had been dissected and were 100% clear! I called Miles and danced around Safeway telling him the good news. To put this into context – cancer can typically spread to other organs by two ways: more commonly through the body’s lymphatic system, and less commonly through the bloodstream. It was tremendous news that I was cleared on one of the two!
With surgery out of the way, I was very eager to start chemotherapy. I thought, “C’mon, what are we waiting for, let’s hurry up and kill any cancer cells that might be hiding out!” But doctor’s orders said my body had to recover from surgery before it could handle the toxic chemical treatments. After all, I still had a plastic drain bag poking out of my boob, collecting pink and red blood and bodily waste. Recovery wasn’t as bad as I expected. After a few days of tolerable pain, I felt pretty decent other than my left arm’s limited range of movement, for which I had to do daily stretching exercises. Two weeks later I pulled off the final steri-strip and gasped at how ... NICE my scar looked. Leave it to Dr. Awesome to give me a beautiful, hardly-noticeable, smile-shaped scar!
Dr. Awesome was very on the ball, and recommended Miles and I freeze some future babies. Some chemotherapy causes a woman to enter menopause (we call it “chemo-pause”), and there’s always the risk that it will be permanent. The window of time for an IVF cycle was very narrow, because my chemo was scheduled to start soon. So around the time of surgery I dove right in to the multiple drugs needed to grow extra eggs in the ovaries. I had to self-inject the drugs into my stomach daily. The first injection was nerve-wracking, but the rest were a breeze. After a couple weeks, my belly was bloated and I went in daily for the doctors to measure the size of each egg. On the monitor, I saw my ovaries full of 15 eggs each – it was crazy! When they were finally large enough for retrieval, I had surgery #2. By then, anesthesia was old hat, and anyhow it was only “heavy sedation” that time. I woke up disappointed to learn that only 12 out of 30+ eggs were viable. I later learned that only 8 were healthy enough to form actual embryos. Still, 8 babies-on-ice was a fantastic insurance policy, in case my period never returned.
December rolled around and I’d healed well from surgery. I wasn’t afraid of chemo because I was thrilled to do everything possible to rid my body of cancer. However, I visited the chemo center the day before my first treatment. I felt like crying after seeing the room filled with people twice my age and even older. My suffering brain thought, “I’m not supposed to be here!” But by the time I went in for my first session, I was over the initial shock. As they stuck me with needles and started the toxic juices flowing, Miles and I settled in for a few hours. We played Gin Rummy and talked with the cheerful and warm older man beside me who was treating Stage IV lung cancer. Throughout my 4.5 months of weekly chemo, Miles and I noticed that everyone was always so cheerful – including us! In fact, one of the nurses joked with us that we’d won “Cutest Couple” award based on a nurses’ vote.
At long last, chemo ended. Chemo left me some presents in its wake. Some were bad: I couldn’t sleep a solid night through, and I was plagued with the daily 6 am hot flashes of a 55-year old woman. Some were worse: I had intense weekly migraines with my last 8 chemo treatments that had me writhing in bed for 72 hours at a time. And some were just plain annoying: All my fingernails were brown and dead, my fingertips were constantly numb from neuropathy, I had recurring mouth sores, I’d developed asthma, and I had a nasty rash on my arms, ankles and face. Nine months later I still have discolored skin from the rash.
Radiation treatments started after several weeks of recovering from chemo. Radiation was easy. I had an initial planning appointment, where I laid on a table and the techs lined my breasts up with monstrous machines and green laser lights. They tattooed two blue dots on my chest to mark the treatment area. Then I came in every Monday thru Friday for 19 days to get zapped. Each session only took 15 minutes and the techs were always on time. Dare I say that it was … pleasant? Well … “pleasant” once I stopped trying to wrap my brain around how painless, invisible radiation that cooked my skin til it was black was somehow good for me.
My mid-June birthday fell the day before my last radiation treatment. However, I’d developed severe and chronic stomach problems. Instead of celebrating both my birthday and my triumphant final day of cancer treatment with a fun meal and a hike at Mt. Tam – I spent all day pooping and barfing (at the same time), with the worst stomach pain of my life. During June, July, August and September I lost 20 pounds. Every time I ate food, like clockwork an hour later I had abdominal pain that lasted for hours. Nothing alleviated it. I quickly learned that plain white rice, chicken broth, and fruit smoothies were the only safe items, and I limited myself to those out of fear of pain. I went to six doctors and one acupuncturist. I had an abdominal ultrasound, MRI, CT scan, colonoscopy, endoscopy, urine test, blood test, and a poop test, and the doctors learned nothing. Here is where I learned (at the worst possible time) that many doctors are lousy, sloppy and uncaring. My oncologist passed me off to a specialist, and said he was “happy to wash his hands of the problem” (insert here: hand-motion of wiping one’s hands clean). The specialist prescribed meds that didn’t work, told me to keep taking them regardless, and then never contacted me again after my CT scan (not even with the results). My general practitioner said she could help expedite an appointment, then never returned my call after passing me to a specialist who was booked solid for 5 weeks. After an extensive search, I finally found a general practitioner and new oncologist that actually cared! The new oncologist – Dr. Awesome #2 – slowly, but finally fixed me in late September with digestive enzymes. I’m eternally grateful.
I’ve been on the upswing since October 2009. In October, Miles and I bought a house in the woods. I missed my one-year diagnosis anniversary because I was already moving on. It’s amazing how quickly the human brain and heart can forget bad memories. I’ve gained a lifetime of knowledge from my experience, but there are a few particular points worth mentioning.
First, cancer taught me to be assertive with doctors. After my stomach ordeal with many doctors who failed me, I became extremely cynical about healthcare. I’ve learned that only you can speak up about your healthcare, your comfort, and your needs. Don’t let doctors make you feel like you’re burdening them or taking up their precious time, and don’t let them brush your questions or concerns aside.
Second, I learned that working during breast cancer treatment was not for me. I was the Office Administrator for a mid-sized law firm. Now, everyone is different – some women want to and do work full-time during breast cancer treatment, and some don’t work at all. But my boss pressured me heavily to work during treatment. When I told him I needed time off for chemo, his first words to me were, “Well, a long time ago I knew so-and-so that did chemo, and she worked every single day at her job on TV.” Gee, thanks Steve… talk about setting an impossible bar! I asked to hire a temporary replacement, he said he preferred not to. So I worked as much as I could and gave my all to keep running my office. I worked about 60% through my entire nine months of treatment. I then had a complete mental breakdown from stress, and demanded 3 full months off to recover from the cumulative effects of treatment. Unfortunately, this was the same 3 months of stomach pain, so there really was no “recovery.” I should have been more assertive about my health needs at work as well. I regret working, and I think my recovery has taken longer because of it. My advice to cancer newbies contemplating working is – listen to your body and don’t neglect yourself!
Last, I learned there’s no room in life for the “what if” game. I’ve always been a worrier, and I’ve had panic attacks. Cancer amplified my anxiety…
“What if the cancer cells are spreading through my bloodstream?”
“What if my cancer comes back?”
“What if that pain in my shoulder is a recurrence in my bones?!”
“What if that benign liver lesion on the CT is actually a recurrence?!!”
“What if we buy a house and then I recur!?!”
“What if we have kids and then I die while they’re young!!?!!”
“What if?! WHAT IF?! WHAT IF!??!?”
Coincidentally, before my diagnosis I’d discovered mindfulness practice and meditation. It’s been a wonderful tool during this trying time, and a thing I try to always keep near. I’ve learned that there’s nothing more important than the present moment, and it’s helped me curb my “what if” blues.
In many ways, cancer has been a wonderful gift. Is that crazy of me to say? It’s enriched my life and opened the door of gratefulness. My bond with my husband, parents, brother and close friends has strengthened more than imaginable. After I didn’t even notice my one-year cancer-versary passing, two days later Miles and I closed escrow on our first house! We’re ecstatic beyond words to move next week to live in the woods, and to enjoy a much slower life. Cancer matured us rapidly – we were forced to choose what we wanted to deem truly important in life. Absent cancer, we probably wouldn’t be where we’re at now so soon: blissfully married, moving in to our first beautiful house in the redwoods (complete with ping-pong in the garage!), with our two kitties and a future retriever, getting ready to have some amazing kids in the next couple years. Now – if only my darn period would hurry up and start flowing again! ;)
That's what I wrote in my pocket calendar for today. Today's the first day of waking up in Guerneville without having to return to SF at all. It's 9:30 a.m. and I'm watching the rain come down against a backdrop of tall redwoods. As Fred said, life is a mystery.
E -ager to be free with arbortory smiles
A -nd soon you'll have your tree just you & your hubby Miles
R -ealizing its like a Wes Anderson flick with a plot that you'd conceive
L -anguishing around Russian River with rednecks and homosexual guys and watch the fall of Earl's leaves
Today is the first anniversary of my beloved girl's passing. I miss her dearly and think about her constantly. Soon I will get to see her everyday together with Earl. :)
