My Bond With Trigger

I have a special bond with Trigger that I don't necessarily have with my other cats. Sometimes we just laid and stared at each other, communicating warmth just between our eyes. It may sound dumb to some people, but I always knew that I knew her in a deeper way, like she was an ancient friend that I'd known for longer than her time.

The last month of her life she fought so hard to stay alive. Her red blood cell count was repeatedly down to 5%, when the vets were telling us that as low as 10% was "incompatible with life." Her energy level that last month was probably only at 50%, so her quality of life was probably only at half. She didn't move around much and spent most of her time laying on the couch or the bed with us, sleeping or purring. But she didn't run around, she didn't play with Dumbjoseph, she didn't run into the bedroom in the middle of the night with her aluminum foil ball in her mouth meowing like crazy, and she didn't jump up to the sink to hang out with me when I brushed my teeth.

The night before her passing, she was laying comfy on her favorite blanket on the couch and was really responsive to me for the first time in a while. I laid down with her and we talked for twenty minutes. It was such a meaningful bit of time and I will cherish it forever. I spoke to her and she spoke back to me with her eyes. I told her how much I loved her and told her I knew how hard she's been fighting to stay alive. I told her I wished she could stay with me forever, and that I knew she wished she could too. But I also told her I knew she was tired, and that she didn't have to stick around for me if she was tired of fighting. I told her that if her body could no longer go on, that I understood and wouldn't love her any less and instead would love her forever no matter what. We really bonded that night, and I will never forget it. I am so thankful we got to share that time together. I covered her with her favorite blanket and left her purring on the couch that night.

The next morning I woke up to find her a complete mess. She had puked and peed on the couch, and pooped on the floor and there was blood in it. She was dirty and curled up on the floor -- motionless and completely unresponsive. That was the first time she'd ever gotten sick on the couch, always before she'd had the strength to jump down to the floor first. I knew this time was bad. I believe in my heart that she & I understood each other the night before, and this next day she was telling me it was time to go.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But in the end, I don't think it could have been any more perfect or beautiful. When it happened, we didn't feel any fear or tension from her. Instead, she purred right up to the last second, and died with her head cradled in my hand. I couldn't have asked for anything more than to make her feel comfortable and loved during that instant. I miss her so much, and I'm sure she misses me. But I believe that our bond remains, and that I'll always be connected to her energy.