Taxol #4 and #5 Done

I completed Taxol #4 last week and Taxol #5 yesterday. The #4 infusion went awfully. I had an ocular migraine, and maybe a real migraine too? I felt like poop during the whole thing. And then the Sunday following infusion I felt sick & worse than I had in weeks. Luckily, yesterday's #5 was a breeze! I felt fine and dozed off at the end of it because of the Benadryl, but then I came home and didn't even need to nap (which was a first). Each chemo brings me one more week closer to being done!

Lately I have been in pretty good spirits. I spent a couple of weeks back constantly worrying about recurring to Stage IV even though I am just a Stage I right now. It's immensely scary to think that although my lymph nodes got the all-clear, that my cancer may have unleashed some cells into my bloodstream that could travel to any organ of my body and latch on and start growing. All without me knowing or anyone being able to detect them before it was too late! I mean, that is some seriously scary stuff. But what I have realized (and have to realize in order to stay sane) is that worrying does no good. First of all, stats say that this is an unlikely event for a Stage I. So if I worry and worry for the rest of my long life and nothing happens, I will have wasted a lot of time and energy on unnecessary negativity. And second of all, if it did happen, worrying right now would not prepare me for how to really deal with it. So it's easier said than done, but I just have to stop worrying about it. Not looking at the Metastatic forums on YSC is a good first step, LOL. YSC is a website called Young Survival Coalition, dedicated to bringing together us young gals with this cancer that normally affects women at a much later age. On one hand, the message boards have a ton of useful information and the women there are a great source of information and support. On the other hand, I have to remember that I'm going to read a lot of scary things on message boards, simply for the fact that someone going through problems/issues is more likely to post than someone who is all-clear, years out of diagnosis, doing great and no longer thinking about cancer. Sometimes it's hard to keep that in perspective.

Anyhow, cancer is scary. It has changed our life. My perspective on life and the things in it has completely topsy-turvied. Does it sound weird to say that I am very grateful for that? Once treatment is done, I hope that I'm able to move forward with my "new" life, and not let myself become paralyzed with fear of recurrence.