On The Last Leg...

I started radiation treatment last week. Today was 7 of 19 treatments. I go in five days a week for a month. It sounds like a lot to get up and go everyday, but it's really not that bad. It's weird to think about getting that much radiation to my body, even if it's just localized to one area... but I've mostly gotten past the weirdness.

So I go in and lay in a mold created for my upper torso. These green laser lights shine on my body like crosshairs, and the techs push and pull me to line the machine up with the two tiny tattoos on my chest. When it's perfect, they leave the room and talk to me through speakers. A screen in front of me shows my breathing patterns in the form of a wave, and when they tell me to I take a deep breath and hold it between two lines on the screen. That's when the magic happens, and it lasts 10-20 seconds each time. I get one zap from the right and two from the left. It's totally painless, but I'll get some skin irritation soon, like a super intense sunburn.

The first couple days of radiation really bummed me out just like the start of chemo did. Being in a new place getting normally toxic stuff done to my body that I don't totally understand, ugh. Looking around and seeing that I'm surrounded by people over twice my age, ugh. It feels like the other patients look at me like I'm out of place ... but maybe I'm just projecting? I feel I've mostly upbeat so far, with only a few "bad days" throughout this ordeal. I tend to feel like I'm selfish by feeling sorry for myself and wondering "Why me?" I try to remind myself that I have so many things to be grateful for. But sometimes it's really really hard to stay positive. I think I'm allowed those days. But still it kind of makes me feel bad in a different way like I'm being really ungrateful for the great things I do have. So maybe what I'm trying to say is ... maybe I haven't been honest with myself about how hard this has been to come to terms with??