This morning was Chemo Round #5. I started Taxol today. It took forever -- they had to pump me full of pre-meds, and the Taxol itself had to go in slowly because of potential allergic reactions. All in all though, I feel better post-Taxol than I felt post-AC. I came home and slept for a few hours, and I'm still thoroughly wiped out. But I don't feel the fogginess that came with AC, I'm very thankful for this. Taxol may still give me some new side effects... but we'll see.
My Taxol treatment will be weekly for the next 12 weeks. Knowing that we wouldn't really be able to make plans and go anywhere for the next 12 weeks, Miles and I got away for a couple days right before Taxol. It was not a good idea. I was sick with a cold or something, and with my weak immune system I just got sicker while we were away. Luckily I feel like I'm slowly on the mend now. And still, it was nice to get away from the daily cancer/treatment grind for a short time.
It's hard not to get depressed every now and then. I read stories about Stage 1 girls who suddenly metastasize to Stage 4 because their cancer spread undetected through the bloodstream. It's definitely scary. I have to continuously tell myself that worrying about it does me absolutely no good. Miles makes a good point when he reminds me that worrying about it now will certainly not prepare me for it if it ever were to happen, and if it never happens I will just have wasted that time worrying. I also have to remember that for every devastating cancer story, there is an equally uplifting cancer survival story. I also have to remember that there are so many things that we do have to be thankful for right now. The fact that it hadn't spread to my lymph nodes. The fact that my tumor was relatively small, less than 2 cm. The fact that I'm officially Stage 1 right now. The fact that my lumpectomy got clear margins, meaning they effectively removed the entire cancerous tumor. The fact that chemo has a very high chance of eliminating anything remaining or anything potentially dangerous to me in the future. The fact that radiation will increase my chances as well by obliterating any microscopic bits that may (but likely not) remain in my breast. The fact that I've found the love of my life, and he stands beside me every second of this little life hiccup. There are so countless things to be thankful for. Still, I guess it's only human that I occasionally freak-out and worry. I will certainly benefit from learning how to better live in the moment, which is something I'm striving for.
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2 comments:
It's way more than a little hiccup - don't feel bad about feeling bad!
I know you are wiped out but you might try to find a super-mellow yoga or even just a meditation class. I know it's hella fruity but tough guys do yoga too and it's helpful for clearing your mind and staying focused on the positive.
Just a thought!
Thanks, dude. I am interested in yoga, even bought mats! Good to hear you are still into it. :)
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